Thought for this day-after-Thanksgiving-shopping-blitz push:
“Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.”
—WRITER/LECTURER ADRIENNE GUSOFF
I walked outside this morning and Voila! one of my grandma’s old Iris was blooming. It’s morning, somehow the shadow of the house behind the flower came out black.
It’s fall, it really is. This is a tree from the same yard, 2 minutes later.
This is stolen directly from Top Five
- "You’ve never loved me!"
"Why the hell did I come home?"
"Please pass the gravy."
- See my family:
They’re all such friggin’ morons.
Turkey softens pain.
- Christmas music plays,
Yet I haven’t finished my
- Of all the things I’m
thankful for, the least must be
- A strange hand enters
My tender lil’ turkey ass.
Cut that out, pervert!
- White man invades us,
Steals our land and livelihood!
Enjoy pie, asswipes.
- The zen of Popeye
Echoes as I fill my plate:
I am what I yam.
- Cowboys score again!
I leap for joy, plate o’erthrown.
Fido feasts again.
- Let us give our thanks
To those who prepared this feast.
Bless you, KFC.
- Mom shopped way too late,
Shelves were picked clean of turkeys.
Enjoy your fried Spam.
- Stomach exploding,
I can’t eat another bite.
What? Pie? Bring it on!
- This bird has five legs!
Thanks, genetic engineer.
Drumsticks all around!
- There’s a duck inside
That chicken and that turkey?
You’re such a pig, dude!
- Full, succulent breast.
Thighs so firm I salivate.
*That’s* Cousin Sue? D’OH!
- That olive seems strange.
It looks like… AH! A glass eye!
Not funny, Grandma!
- Turkey! Stuffing! Pie!
Wolf down, then sprint to the john…
Feast with Mary-Kate.
- Pungent aromas
Wafting from Grandpa’s buttocks.
May I be excused?
- Pie sirens singing,
Beckoning from the table,
Taunting me loudly.
- So full I could burst.
Keep that mint away, despite
Its wafer thinness.
- Pumpkin pies untopped,
Whipped cream dribbles from the can.
Who took nitrous hits?
- Finger lickin’ good!
Junior says the stuffing feels
Like warm apple pie.
- Sometimes we’re thankful
For the things we do *not* have.
Like, you know, Trump’s hair.
- The Pilgrims landed
In Massachusetts. And froze.
Next time, try Key West.
- Carve the turkey… yum!
White meat, dark meat, red meat– huh?
Crap, I’ve sliced my thumb.
- If you’re just too full,
Go ahead, undo your belt —
BUT THE PANTS STAY ON.
- Most Americans —
Two thirds — are obese. Stuffing:
Side dish *and* hobby.
- The carcass lies still,
Stuffed and silent. It is Dad
Watching football games.
- The diagnosis:
Gravy IV, stat!
- Forty-four years old,
Still at the kiddie table.
Pass the damn peas, punk.
and the Number 1 Thanksgiving Haiku…
- Butterball Hot Line?
This is an emergency!
My penis is stuck!
Subscribe to Top Five here. It’s a very funny list, with a free version and a paid version. The haiku list was from a paid subscription, of course. Way worth whatever I paid for it, which was something like $12 for a year. Cheap entertainment!
“If love be good, from whennes cometh my woe?”
—GEOFFREY CHAUCER, TROILUS AND CRISEYDE
Mental this time.
I just took a test. The questions are below. Sad news: It says I am suffering from serious mental confusion and/or “fog”. Nice. Good to be at the top of my game, know what I mean?
I’m guessing it’s a combination of menopause, lack of exercise, serious long term lack of sleep, and old age. There is only one of those that I can fix. Ick.
Do you sometimes not know where you are?
Do you often say one word when you mean another?
Do you sometimes have trouble completing sentences?
Do you frequently lose your train of thought?
Do you sometimes have trouble spelling familiar words?
Do you sometimes not know the name of an object?
Do you find yourself becoming more disorganized and less efficient?
Do you often spend a lot of time going through papers looking for something?
Look what I got this morning – Twins!
Pretty fuzzy, but it’s the camera, not the egg. I don’t quite know how to do close ups with this camera yet.
I have between one and two billion readers. Amazing, isn’t it?
Actually, I just found out how to make 3 sound like a lot.
–Freshly stolen from Dilbert.
The Dilbert blog is quite funny, btw, even if the comics generally aren’t any more.