How To Tick Other People Off

Olde But Goode

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to keep them “tuned up.”

7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

8. Practice making fax and modem noises. [I actually do this on occasion]

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.


21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” What?” “Nevermind, it’s gone now.”

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

32. Ask your coworkers mysterious questions and scribble their answer in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

2 thoughts on “How To Tick Other People Off

  1. bc says:

    I found this list in my filing cabinet. It was an email printed out, with a 1995 date on it, from somebody at work. The person at work had received it, but she knew back then half the staff didn’t ever read their email (some of them still don’t) so she printed the list out, with a colored cover page stapled to it explaining what it was, and distributed it to all our physical mailboxes. 🙂 Good use of company resources.
    I retyped it yesterday. My bad on the 800 typos in it. Hopefully most are fixed now.


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