Another good argument for not using minimum wage employees to make your signs…
I just found an e-mail containing this list from 1996. A printed version. I’m tempted to resend it to all the people who were cc’d on it the first time. Lots of university addresses, so they might still work … 🙂
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
“Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World”
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask,
“Got enough air in there?”
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, “Noogie Patrol!”
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and
ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink”
at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh,
not now, damn motion sickness!”
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, “Gotta go, gotta go!” then sigh and say,
23. Show other passengers a wound and aks if it looks infected.
24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce, “You’re
one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say, “Mmmmm …. tasty!”
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
32. Start a sing-a-long.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, “I wonder what all these do?” and push the red buttons.
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
40. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, “Wanna see what’s in my mouf?”
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at the passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”
51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone’s shoes.
52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming, “Aaaaaghh, get them off!”.
53. Challenge your neighbor to a “Tic-Tac-Toe tournament.
54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare the other passengers like they are crazy.
55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it’s getting to the good part.
56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting “Down! I said down, dammit!”
58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
59. Try to get a game of Twister going.
60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.
The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”
Cheney added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, “Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.
Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the women decided that when the boss left, they would leave right
behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would
she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and
quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in
bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”
One of the people in my office called me “The Machine Whisperer” this morning. 🙂 Ha ha ha
I just snagged this from the GearBits guy [link is in the column on the right already], but I don’t think he’ll care – spreading the word is spreading the word —
Trading Freedom for Liberty Not an Option
“They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
-Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759
From the DailyKos:
Meet the four horsemen of the Constitutional apocalypse: Republican Senators Mike DeWine, Olympia Snowe, Lindsey Graham, and Chuck Hagel. “Apocalypse, what hyperbole!” you say. But how else to label the fact that these four Senators will bring to the Senate a billowing white flag of surrender, and a crown for their King?
Yesterday, these four Senators introduced the “Terrorist Surveillance Act of 2006.” The bill would legalize the President’s crimes. It would allow this Congress to rubber-stamp the administration’s violation of FISA and the Fourth Amendment by condoning warrantless spying. According to their ass-backwards approach to oversight, the President can continue to spy on Americans without a warrant for 45 days. After 45 days, the President has three choices:
1. “Stop” the spying: Because naturally, we can trust this government to cease and desist on demand, given its amazing track record of self-restraint;
2. Ask the FISA court for a court order: Because naturally, this President has shown great respect for the FISA court process and would dutifully follow Congressional directives when it comes to applying for a FISA order; or
3. Inform the Intelligence Sub-committee: Because, of course, the President has proven he can be trusted to follow the law and notify intelligence activities about warrantless spying.
The bill is co-sponsored by four so-called “moderates” in order to hide its radical and catastrophic nature. What these four extremists accomplish with their bill is to amend the Constitution unilaterally–without the consent of the states–by nullifying the Fourth Amendment. Warrant? Reasonable cause? Psssh. Remnants of a pre-9/11 world, my friends.
Their bill, by making congressional notification optional, also effectively repeals the National Security Act of 1947, which requires the President keep the House and Senate Intelligence Committees “fully and currently informed of all intelligence activities.” If the administration does chose to inform the Intelligence Sub-Committee, the members on that committee cannot disclose any abuses they may learn of. They can’t order the government to stop the spying and they can’t hold the government accountable for any abuses. Their mouths are sealed shut. Their hands are bound with inaction. They can do nothing but serve as audience for an all-powerful King. As Senate Judiciary Chairman Specter commented, this bill lets the administration “do whatever the hell it wants.” And this is “oversight”? The sadder question that needs to be asked is is this America anymore?
So, let’s review, shall we? Striking out part of the Bill of Rights? Check. Unfettered Executive authority to conduct massive, intrusive spying on Americans in secret? Check. A paralyzed Congress bound, blindfolded and gagged? Check. Establishing the precedent that the President can flat-out ignore the law of the land? Check. A Congress filled with Rubber-Stamp Republicans who couldn’t give a shit about the rule of law as long as they make this scandal go away? Check.
A constitutional catastrophe doesn’t look to hyperbolic now, does it?
I’ve written Barbara Boxer. Have you contacted your senator?
Winners of the I Look Like My Dog contest
More doggy/owner look-alike goodness: