Month: March 2006

60 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

I just found an e-mail containing this list from 1996. A printed version. I’m tempted to resend it to all the people who were cc’d on it the first time. Lots of university addresses, so they might still work … 🙂

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to

other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:

“Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World”

incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the

elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask,

“Got enough air in there?”

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your

upside down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,

without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors

open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, “Noogie Patrol!”

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and

ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay

open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink”

at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then

announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh,

not now, damn motion sickness!”

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter, “Gotta go, gotta go!” then sigh and say,

“oops!”

23. Show other passengers a wound and aks if it looks infected.

24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce, “You’re

one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say, “Mmmmm …. tasty!”

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

32. Start a sing-a-long.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say “Ding!” at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, “I wonder what all these do?” and push the red buttons.

39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

40. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, “Wanna see what’s in my mouf?”

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at the passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”

51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone’s shoes.

52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming, “Aaaaaghh, get them off!”.

53. Challenge your neighbor to a “Tic-Tac-Toe tournament.

54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare the other passengers like they are crazy.

55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it’s getting to the good part.

56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.

57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting “Down! I said down, dammit!”

58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.

59. Try to get a game of Twister going.

60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

Another W joke

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”

Cheney added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, “Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.

Blonde Joke

Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the women decided that when the boss left, they would leave right
behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would
she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and
quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in
bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her
house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”

Trading Freedom for Liberty

I just snagged this from the GearBits guy [link is in the column on the right already], but I don’t think he’ll care – spreading the word is spreading the word —

Trading Freedom for Liberty Not an Option

“They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
-Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759

From the DailyKos:
Meet the four horsemen of the Constitutional apocalypse: Republican Senators Mike DeWine, Olympia Snowe, Lindsey Graham, and Chuck Hagel. “Apocalypse, what hyperbole!” you say. But how else to label the fact that these four Senators will bring to the Senate a billowing white flag of surrender, and a crown for their King?

Yesterday, these four Senators introduced the “Terrorist Surveillance Act of 2006.” The bill would legalize the President’s crimes. It would allow this Congress to rubber-stamp the administration’s violation of FISA and the Fourth Amendment by condoning warrantless spying. According to their ass-backwards approach to oversight, the President can continue to spy on Americans without a warrant for 45 days. After 45 days, the President has three choices:

1. “Stop” the spying: Because naturally, we can trust this government to cease and desist on demand, given its amazing track record of self-restraint;
2. Ask the FISA court for a court order: Because naturally, this President has shown great respect for the FISA court process and would dutifully follow Congressional directives when it comes to applying for a FISA order; or
3. Inform the Intelligence Sub-committee: Because, of course, the President has proven he can be trusted to follow the law and notify intelligence activities about warrantless spying.

The bill is co-sponsored by four so-called “moderates” in order to hide its radical and catastrophic nature. What these four extremists accomplish with their bill is to amend the Constitution unilaterally–without the consent of the states–by nullifying the Fourth Amendment. Warrant? Reasonable cause? Psssh. Remnants of a pre-9/11 world, my friends.

Their bill, by making congressional notification optional, also effectively repeals the National Security Act of 1947, which requires the President keep the House and Senate Intelligence Committees “fully and currently informed of all intelligence activities.” If the administration does chose to inform the Intelligence Sub-Committee, the members on that committee cannot disclose any abuses they may learn of. They can’t order the government to stop the spying and they can’t hold the government accountable for any abuses. Their mouths are sealed shut. Their hands are bound with inaction. They can do nothing but serve as audience for an all-powerful King. As Senate Judiciary Chairman Specter commented, this bill lets the administration “do whatever the hell it wants.” And this is “oversight”? The sadder question that needs to be asked is is this America anymore?

So, let’s review, shall we? Striking out part of the Bill of Rights? Check. Unfettered Executive authority to conduct massive, intrusive spying on Americans in secret? Check. A paralyzed Congress bound, blindfolded and gagged? Check. Establishing the precedent that the President can flat-out ignore the law of the land? Check. A Congress filled with Rubber-Stamp Republicans who couldn’t give a shit about the rule of law as long as they make this scandal go away? Check.

A constitutional catastrophe doesn’t look to hyperbolic now, does it?

Read the FULL STORY here.

I’ve written Barbara Boxer. Have you contacted your senator?

Top 5

March 22, 2006

Subscribe to Club Top Five – Best comedic bang for the buck on the internet 🙂 Hi Chris!

Today’s list was originally published on December 15, 1998.

The Top 15 Christian Coalition-Approved
Nicknames for Breasts

15> Democrat Catchers

14> NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)

13> Pastor Baiters

12> Mounds of Shame

11> Heavenly Canteens

10> Pearly Weights

9> Hooteronomies

8> Pizza Pizza

7> Sweater Undulations

6> The Daughters of Lactiticus

5> Racks of Lambs of God

4> Communion Woofers

3> First and Second Mammalonians

2> Pamela 36:D

and Top5’s Number 1 Christian Coalition-Approved
Nickname for Breasts…

1> Beelzeboobs

[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1998, 2006 by Chris White ]

——————————————————————
Christian Coalition-Approved Nicknames for Breasts
RUNNERS UP list — Lacking Support
——————————————————————

Big Honking Deuteronomies
(Sam Evans, Charleston, SC)

Condiment Containers for the Non-Aborted
(Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR)
(Patrick Major, Dallas, OR)
(Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA)

Noah’s favorite thing that comes in twos
(Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)

Proof Positive of God’s Existence
(Rich Taylor, Arlington, VA)

Satan’s Scatter Cushions
(Lisa Oliver, London, England)

Scylla and Charybdis
(Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA)

The Holy Twintitties
(Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA)

The Lord’s Pair
(Rich Taylor, Arlington, VA)

Those Which Begat My Woody
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)

Tickle-Me-Satan
(Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA)

Two Horsemen of the Apocalypse
(Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA)

Runners Up list name
(Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA)

——————————————————————
Christian Coalition-Approved Nicknames for Breasts
HONORABLE MENTIONS list — D-Cupitated
——————————————————————

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou — minus the “a loaf of
bread, a of wine, and thou.”
(Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY)

Anteriorly suspended dietary calcium sources
(Alan Wagner, Pittsburg, KS)

Bell Towers
(Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX)

Cain and Abel
(Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC)

Chest Cheese
(Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA)

Corinthians One and Two
(Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE)

Don’t call them anything. If we ignore them, sex will go away.
(Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH)

Eye-pokers
(Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA)

Glory to God in the highest, and fullest
(Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH)

Headlights of the Soul
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

Knockers on Heaven’s Doors
(Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY)

Mammies from Heaven
(Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA)
(Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)

Onward Christian boulders
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Pope Hats
(Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA)

Sweet Moses with Noses
(John Hering, Alexandria, VA)

The Devil’s Other Playthings
(Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA)
(Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA)

The Eyes of Satan
(Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC)

The Portion of Your Torso at Which Jesse Jackson Would Be Staring
if You Were a Woman and He Were Speaking to You
(Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI)

The Two Enormous Grapes of Wrath
(Fred Hesby, Portland, OR)

Things Jesus Sucked, But Only for the First Few Months of His Life
(Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY)

Those which our tight-sweatered fifth-grade French teacher caused
us to commit sins of nature unto
(Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA)

Tweedledee and Tweedledum
(Ward Bahner, Kansas City, MO)

Two Peas in a Pushup Pod
(Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX)

Quote O’ the Day

“Natasha, to love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love, but then one suffers from not loving, therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer, to be happy is to love, to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.”

—WOODY ALLEN, LOVE AND DEATH (1975)