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June 9, 2006
The Top 17 Little-Known Facts About the Avian Flu
17> No truth whatsoever to the rumor you can self-immunize by
licking pigeons — although it certainly couldn’t hurt.
16> Dark avian flu affects the legs and thighs.
White avian flu affects the breasts.
15> Since it’s the only part of the chicken humans can eat without
contracting avian flu, you’ll soon be able to drop by your
local KFC and get a bucket of beaks.
14> The Surgeon General recommends condoms during sex with birds.
13> The FDA rejected proposed awareness mascot Daffy Duck and the
slogan “It’th dethpicable!”
12> New York City drivers spread the virus via gestures made with
their middle fingers.
11> Not only does reading passages from “Chicken Soup for the
Soul” out loud to sick chickens *not* make them feel better,
it really pisses them off.
10> Makes your phlegm taste like chicken.
9> Let’s just say there’s going to be one hell of a fight over
drumsticks soon on Sesame Street.
8> Significant risk of infection from eating Chicken of the Sea.
(Jessica Simpson only)
7> McDonald’s Corp. insulated itself from the financial
ramifications of animal-related diseases by eliminating
animal-related meat from its products back in 1973.
6> Due to an unfortunate typo, U.S. scientists wasted precious
months working on a vaccine for the Evian flu.
5> It’s the only virus to have a unique blend of 11 herbs and
spices.
4> Early symptom: Puddy-tat mirages.
3> Can lead to “Popeye’s beak syndrome” — a permanent hardening
of the pecker.
2> New oral vaccine available with choice of dipping sauce.
and Topfive.com’s Number 1
Little-Known Fact About the Avian Flu…
1> The good news: Symptoms include an uncontrollable desire to
relieve yourself on freshly washed BMWs.
[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2006 by Chris White ]
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Little-Known Facts About the Avian Flu
RUNNERS UP list — Chicken Butt!
——————————————————————
Affected women may *say* they’re interested in kissing your wonder
worm, but, guys, DON’T TAKE THE BAIT!
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Chicken soup only makes it worse.
(Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)
Dasani and Aquafina are quick to point out *their* products are
not associated with any flu virus unlike “those French imports.”
(Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA)
(Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada)
First people in the USA to contract it: Roger McGuinn and David
Crosby.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)
In certain parts of Appalachia, avian flu is considered an STD.
(Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada)
(Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL)
Origin of the virus can be traced back to Kitty Hawk, when man
defied God and insisted on the ability to fly.
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)
PETA women everywhere turn in their men to the CDC due to comments
about choking their chickens.
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
Pat Robertson on a recent edition of “The 700 Club”: “And now at
number seven with a bullet on God’s Top Ten Holy Punishments for
America’s Tolerance of Prostitution and the Gay Lifestyle….”
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)
Patient zero? Foghorn Leghorn.
(Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX)
School cafeteria ladies are wearing protective gloves, but not
because they’re afraid of contracting avian flu from the grilled
chicken patties — they’re actually scared of the *meat loaf*.
(Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX)
The Bush administration has already designated alert levels:
Soft-Boiled, Over Easy, Poached, Fried and Scrambled.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
The virus is believed to be a mutated descendent of Mad Crow
Disease.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Turkey burgers must be well done to prevent transmission. The
catch? It’s impossible to do a turkey burger well!
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)
You develop matzoh balls.
(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA)
Runners Up list name
(Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX)
——————————————————————
Little-Known Facts About the Avian Flu
HONORABLE MENTIONS list — Pannedemic
——————————————————————
A 12-piece bucket of KFC original, extra crispy, consumed once a
week, provides limited immunity. A bucket a day? Full immunity!!
(Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI)
Can be passed from human to human at wedding receptions via the
chicken dance.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)
Despite the avian aspect and the use of the past tense of the
word, there is no act of flight involved.
(Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN)
In the late ’70s, NY Yankee star Reggie Jackson actually
contracted the disease from teammate Goose Gossage.
(Curtis Stoddard, Milwaukie, OR)
Larry Bird’s entire family carries the “avian flu” gene.
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
Not naming names, just saying, “Aaaaflaaac!”
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)
Symptoms are remarkably similar to “Saturday Night Fever,” only
differing in the urge to dance in white feathers instead of a
white suit.
(Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX)
Thanksgiving turkeys all over the country replaced by tofu
turkeys. In related news, George Bush pardons the White House tofu
without the usual press fanfare.
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)
That pathetic Garden Weasel can’t *touch* your new talons!
(John Treusch, Burlington, NJ)
The USDA plans a fall campaign to persuade the nation that
“Thanksgiving hamburger” is just as tasty and nearly as
traditional.
(David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA)
There aren’t any painful symptoms of the illness; most
complications come from the insatiable desire to eat worms.
(Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN)
While flipping bikers the bird, goosing your Hooters girl and
choking the chicken in public pose no risk of Avian Flu, they may
significantly increase other threats to your health.
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
Your husband complains that you brood too much.
(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA)
Honorable Mentions list name
(Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA)
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