In England in 1665, a health pamphlet entitled, “To reduce the body that is too fat to a mean and handsome proportion,” suggested that one effective technique was bloodletting. According to the pamphlet, the overweight person should be bled “largely, twice a year, the right arm in the spring, the left in the autumn.”
Campbell’s has announced it soon will stock America’s grocery store shelves with “Bush Soup,” in honor of our president.
A company spokesman said the soup will primarily consist of a weenie in hot water.
The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter:
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart …. Nice children you’ve got there – are they twins?”
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?…….. Do you really think they look alike?”
“No”, replies the greeter, “I just couldn’t believe you got lucky twice!”
Somebody sent me this, claimed it was him in the story but I don’t believe it. It’s sort of amusing, anyway:
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I’d been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no…..I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.