Joys of womanhood

Q: What should you do if you need a C-Section but your obstetrician is stuck on the golf course?

A: Call your local pig castrator.

In the first recorded incidence of a woman surviving a Caesarean section, in 1500, Jacob Nufer, a Swiss swine gelder (a pig castrator), used his swine-gelding instruments to remove a baby from his wife’s womb after a prolonged labor. Not only did Mrs. Nufer survive the surgery, she went on to give birth to twins and four other children.

Amazing CRS Syndrome

This morning I turned on the radio and felt the need for some Deep Tracks.  A song by the Animals came on and I knew ALL the words, and belted them out with gusto (much to Bob’s dismay)  while sitting at the breakfast table.

I got up, still singing, and headed to the office for something but forgot what it was by the time I got there.   Still singing the words verbatim to a song I learned 35 years ago.  What’s up with that?  Memory is a funny thing.

And, FYI, I can’t remember the name of the song now to save my life.

Feh.

CRS = Can’t Remember Shit

Headlines

–==++ TopFive’s News Headlines ++==–

Autopsy: Anna Nicole’s Death Linked to Tainted Penthouse Pet Food
(Brad Osberg)

McDonald’s Introduces Healthier Cheeseburger Salad
(Jerry L. Embry)

Elton John Celebrates 60th With Cake, Tantrum
(Brad Osberg)

Study: Last Step Not Actually a Doozy
(Tom Stoudt)

President Bush Promises to Personally Taste-Test All New
Alcohol-Based Fuels
(Tristan Fabriani)

Finally, Somebody Thinks of the Children
(David Kass)

Send submissions to headlines@topfive.com

Anesthesia, anyone?

ON THIS DAY…

…IN 1658, the surgeon Thomas Hollier removed a tennis ball-size bladder stone from famous English diarist Samuel Pepys. The operation was conducted without anesthetics and required restraining Pepys with ropes and four strong men. Hollier removed the stone with pincers through a three-inch incision along the perineum. Pepys made a good recovery and, each year for the rest of his life, held a celebration on the anniversary of the operation.

FREE!

Yay!   The attornies finished up their jury selection late this afternoon I was not selected.  It would have been a very difficult trial for me, anyway.  The defendent, a young man of the same age and with the same build, coloring, height and general facial features as my son’s was on trial for murder.  He was pleading self defense against a gang banger.   The dead gang bangers friends and family were all out in the hall giving us the evil eye everytime we went in and out of the courtroom.  Nice.   All I can say is, “Whew, dodged another bullet.”

Jury Selection

OMFG!! Who knew it could be so long and unbe-fucking-lievably boring? It’s a redrum trial, with 90 people sitting in the pool waiting for the hatchet. Yikes! Had to be there all day today, looks like I’ll have to be there all day tomorrow.

I don’t mind doing my civic duty. In fact, it’s an interesting diversion from real life. But that’s once you get to the trial part. The selection process is so tedious and dull that I was doing e-mail on my Treo (IN MY PURSE so it looked less like a Blackberry Prayer and maybe more like a demented bag person whom authorities would be loathe to interrogate). The bailiffs wouldn’t let us chew gum, read books, play solitaire or pee on demand. This was very difficult in the morning for a person who a) has a bladder the size of a pea (sp? 🙂 heh heh ) and b) took a diuretic earlier. Feh. And I’m trying not to talk about my short attention span here.

==Haiku Hiatus==

Jury selection
Part of our justice system
This is punishment!

===/Haiku====

Mair, you could chime in with stories of court reporters here. Ours was having as much trouble as the rest of us prospective jurors staying awake while the defense attorney asked the same time-killing questions over and over and over. He asked at one point if a prospective juror that made the first twenty to the bench had any reason not to like him and everyone in the courtroom muttered in unison under their breaths, “Yes, you talk too much!”

——————

Fam News

I talked to mom for a while tonight. She had eye surgery today and her remarks and mood remind me of me after I had mine…. in awe of the technology and technique that could make such a difference in quality of life in such a short time. And painlessly, to boot.

She had the cloudy lens replaced in one eye with a nice clear synthetic one. Voila! Everything old is new again. She gets the other one done in April but wishes it was tomorrow.