Headlines

Two of them made me lol so I had to share.

–==++ TopFive’s News Headlines ++==–

Bush: Carter Is Irrelephant

Al Gore Successfully Lures Two Lost Whales Back to Ocean

“Star Wars” Turns 30; I Turn Really Really Old

G-8 Leaders Promise More Whatever for Africa

“Hello… Jerry!”: Falwell Compliments God on His Perfect
“Newman” Impression

Barry Bonds Implodes Into Quantum Steroid Singularity

Credits: Jerry Embry (1,2,4), Travis Ruetenik (3),
Brad Osberg (5), Mark Niebuhr (6),

Send submissions to headlines@topfive.com

Saturday

I was looking at my calendar Friday and noticed I had a hair appointment for Saturday.  At 7:30.  45 minutes from my house.

Was I on crack when I made that appointment?  I think SO.  Good God.  Luckily the car knew the way and I slept for most of the drive.

I made it on time, did the usual Shrink session with V and noticed a sign for a Gourd Festival on my way back.  Gourd Festival?  Who knew?  What the hell was a Gourd Festival?  I thought about it all the rest of the way back and decided I had to go, and so should Bob. (We grew a lot of gourds on the back fence growing up so I have a bit of a Thing for gourds, anyway.)

I also saw a smashing yellow old cherry Corvette convertible driving around and figured out there was a car show going on in the dealer’s lot on the way to our house.

I talked Bob into the Gourd Festival and showed him the car show on the way (his reward for going to a gourd festival w/out grumbling), so we stopped and wandered around looking at beautiful old muscle cars and various other phenomenal old specimens.  Loved me that 63 Corvette and also a dandy old Camaro … and a couple of great old Mustangs with the ponies stamped into the leather seats.  And a big ol’ round (51?) Caddy, restored to all it’s former glory.  I like the cars that have the original equipment restored.  So does Bob, yet another of the many millions of things we seem to agree on.

The Gourd Festival was a lot bigger than I was expecting.  There were already about 300 cars when we got there.  Lots of gourds to buy, fresh (freshly dried, anyway) from the field and still covered in dirt and various other kinds of crap.  There were also a lot of vendors and artists selling their wares.  A lot of the stuff was that cutesie chicken and puppy junk that I despise, but it was tempered with several booths that had really gorgeous, artistic examples of gourd decorating.   I didn’t buy anything except a hot dog, though.  The stuff I liked was expensive.  Like this great warty anteater — $250.  Some beautiful little carved gourds with fall leaves cut out and painted on them were $30 – $200.  Lots of money.  If I was rich I would have bought several of them.

Now, I have to go buy a wood burning tool and leather dye instead and make my own.    I’ve been jonesing for some creative outlet anyway.

On the way back from the Gourd Festival we  saw some signs for New Solar Houses in the south part of town.  We went and looked. The models weren’t too bad, but there weren’t any batteries to store any electricity you might produce over what you needed. Doesn’t that seem sort of weird?  The two houses that were available but not models were cheesy.  Vinyl-that-looked-like-tile-type-cheesy.  Blech.  I’m not staying in this city, anyway.

love this guy

This is from Defective Yeti, a fine and funny blogger and one of the only three on the planet I read fairly regularly.

Where’s Keith When You Need ‘Em? A woman is giving me her personal information over the phone:

“First name: Janet; Last name: Oakley. Email address: jaoakley@yahoo.com; that’s J as in James, A as in Andrew, O as in Oscar, A as in Andrew, K as in, uhhhhhhhhh, Welcomebackkotter …”

Friday Night Blues

[5-12-17]   I did some time and space traveling Friday night. Hubby and I went to the Silver Dollar Saloon in Marysville. It is an old, old bar, reaching back to the Wild West days. Big, beautiful ornately carved bar which has to be original. The place has huge rough-sawn planks for the ceiling. Might have been those ceilings that reminded me so much of the bars in Idaho that I grew up in. It was strange, but Fun.

A blues band played the first set, then the rest of the night was a jam. We were the only non-musicians in the place after 9:30. Okay, that’s not entirely true. There were a bunch of burly construction workers in orange shirts that I would have hit on a few years back. I used to like separating the good ones from the pack and herding them over to … somewhere else.

The acoustics were really, really awful as was the sound equipment. Made it hard to pay enough attention. Still, I’d do it again.

The really weird part about the night is that the women all looked like the women that were in the Idaho bars 30 years ago in the summertime. Sleazy tops, some cowboy gear, and most of all, long hair with bad perms and awful dye jobs. Many, many bad perms. It was odd how much they looked like the old days. I haven’t been in a room with that much bad hair for I don’t know how long. 30 years, I suppose.

Haiku for California

These are yesterday’s Top 5 old list reprints. Some of these are *really* funny.
Subscribe: http://www.top5.com

The Top 20 Driving Haikus

20> Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink
Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink.
Someday, you’ll turn left.

19> Lumbering monster.
Imports scatter before me.
Fear my Escalade!

18> I’m in a hurry.
You are driving too slowly.
I must gesture now.

17> It’s always the same:
“Next exit 84 miles”
When I have to pee.

16> Emits pollution
And spews poison gases. Car?
No, it’s John Rocker.

15> Rearview mirror shows
Highway patrol behind me.
How many did I have?

14> Wake up in ER.
I was driving and reading,
Then I heard a crash.

13> Oooh, there’s a Starbucks!
Let’s pull over and buy some
Four-dollar coffee.

12> H2 SUV.
Traffic jam, gas tank on E.
U R SOL.

11> Run, pedestrian!
I can’t stop! Jump that curb!… Damn.
Bumpers are *not* cheap.

10> An exact-change lane,
And you’ve only brought Visa?
Please, never leave home.

9> Wheels are like mountains
In your giant monster truck.
Your schlong? Still compact.

8> Ponytailed boomer
Doing thirty while singing
“Life in the Fast Lane.”

7> Get off that cell phone!
Safety dictates only *one*
Driver’s side air bag.

6> Use the crosswalk, fool!
I might not react in time!
Well, those are the brakes.

5> Self-important prick!
Signal turns or you may find
Baby on *dash* board.

4> Car slides over bridge!
Glad my underwear is clean.
Oops! I spoke too soon.

3> Cut *me* off, you scum?
Pass you on the right! I win!!
Morning, officer.

2> Something just happened
Between me and the leather.
Please crack a window.

and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Driving Haiku…

1> My toll-booth hottie
Can’t hear my smooth pickup lines
Over the car horns.

——————————————————————
Driving Haikus
RUNNERS UP list — Skid Marks
——————————————————————

A Mini-Cooper!
Perhaps fun to observe, but
A skateboard’s safer.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

A call comes, she slows.
All must wait. Can we shove that
Cell phone up her ass?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

A loud noise, a thump
Reveal an eternal truth:
Sidewalk’s not for cars.
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Aggressive tailgate
Mocking my careful habits.
Now I drive slower.
(Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA)

Bright red brake lights flash
For no apparent reason.
Are you seeing ghosts?
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)

Cones along the road,
Orange miles stretch on and on.
No sign of road work.
(Andrea Crain, Madison, WI)

Drive a Ferrari?
Sorry about your penis.
Testosterossa!
(Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX)

Drove through a puddle,
But never drove out of it.
Need a bigger car.
(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)

Left blinker stuck on,
But nobody is driving!
Wait… I see blue hair.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

My mighty Hummer’s
Dented fender makes me weep.
There’s no insurance.
(Reid Kerr, Carthage, TX)

Naive car owner
Fills up fuel tank and proceeds;
Fuel door waves hello.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

Please fill ‘er up with
Premium. We own Iraq,
So who gives a damn?
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Proud Winnebago
Up the switchbacks, inch by inch.
“No turnouts for *me*!”
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Pull out of the drive,
Turn signals always flashing
Have a nice trip, Gramps!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Subwoofer throbbing,
Spoiler bigger than the car.
Loser in Civic.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Through the needle’s eye
The camel never squeezes.
Merge in front of me?!
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Turn signal still on,
Driving slowly in left lane.
Early-bird special?
(Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC)

You cut me off, jerk.
I must put cap in your ass.
Next time, you think first.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)

Runner Up list name
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

——————————————————————
Driving Haikus
HONORABLE MENTION list — Student Drivers
——————————————————————

Forty miles per hour,
Blocking the fast lane; must be
An important call.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

All around me: rage.
But I am calm and serene.
Both hands flip the bird.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Blinker a-flashin’,
But no one is a-turnin’.
Someone’s a-stupid.
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Construction ahead.
Delays will likely ensue.
Road rage imminent.
(Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA)

Darting in and out,
The biker dude ignores lanes.
Fling open my door?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Drift, weave, slam on brakes.
Weave, slam on brakes, drift, weave, weave.
Put down the damn phone!
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)

Driving a Hummer:
It means never having to
Say that you’re sorry.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

Driving in straight line,
Driver turns without warning.
Turn signal, jackass!
(Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)

Eight miles per gallon,
Off-road chances in L.A.
It’s the Excursion!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Finger sticking up
As I merge into her lane.
Soccer mom from hell.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Freshly-brewed coffee
Rouses me on the commute,
When spilled in my lap.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)

Frozen like a pond.
Such are all these idiots
At a four-way stop.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Highway patrol car
Glides into view, as the world
Slows to seventy.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

I’m driving too slow?
Pass me, and the car ahead —
The one with Mars lights.
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)

It says, “Merge,” not “Stop,”
You drooling waste of carbon!
Speed up and slip in!
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Missing back window,
Trash bag and duct tape conceals
High deductible.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

My victories marked
by random dents and blood spots.
Bumper-tag winner.
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sirens flash, lights blaze,
Bullhorns bellow, “Pull over!”
Maybe I should stop?
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sitting in traffic,
California rainstorm.
Where’d I put my gun?
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

South Florida drive.
Smoking clutch, third gear a dream.
BlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlink.
(Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA)

That’s *not* a turn lane.
If someone hits you head-on
It will serve you right.
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)

Want to play chicken
With my American van?
Silly Volkswagen.
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

Who’s that slow driver
Admiring God’s creation?
Ramming speed! My bad.
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)

Whose SUV is
Biggest? Clearly mine is tops!
Just penis envy.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Why did I buy this?
Everyone knows Yugos suck!
I’m better off dead.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)

Quote O’ The Day

“Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball.”

–King Charles V the Wise

Every war when it comes, or before it comes, is represented not as a war but as an act of self-defense against a homicidal maniac.

–George Orwell

Ask The Chemist

DOES BATHING IN TOMATO JUICE REMOVE THE SMELL OF A SKUNK?

If you believe everything you see on TV, it does. During an early episode of The Partridge Family, when a skunk finds its way onto the family bus, Reuben remembers that tomato juice can remove the skunk odor. The family deodorizes, but their dog gets them covered again. Without time to take another tomato juice bath, they play a concert at a children’s hospital from inside a glass-enclosed operating room.

There is, however, no scientific evidence to support the tomato juice claim. The juice probably just tricks the nose into not recognizing the skunk smell. One recommended treatment, which is best used only for pets, calls for combining one quart 3% hydrogen peroxide, one cup baking soda, and one teaspoon mild dishwashing detergent. You can use the same concoction yourself with one caveat: Peroxide can have a bleaching effect. You’re better off with that Virgin Mary.