July 23, 2007

Here’s a GREAT Top Five:

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NOTE FROM CHRIS:

On Saturday, your favorite humor list moderator celebrated
half a century of semi-clean living on this hunk of rock.
The worst part about it is that in Los Angeles, 50 is the
new 20 — so I can’t drink legally again until NEXT July.

“Chris, what other issues might an aging Internet-pioneer-
who-missed-the-’90s-IPOs have to deal with?” you ask? Trust
me, it can get ugly. Here’s a little glimpse into my life…

The Top 20 Ways Chris Is Feeling His Mortality

20> Has started ordering his Shirley Temples with an olive instead
of a cherry.

19> That once-cool full-back tattoo of Jacko moonwalking seems
dated.

18> “Oh, yeah? Well, when I was young, we didn’t have amateur
video webcams with free pornography! We had to steal Dad’s
Playboys from his closet!”

17> His 13-year-old humor list wants the keys to the car, the
phone rings non-stop and #7 wants to know if he can get a
tattoo.

16> Screams “Get a haircut, hippie!” every time Justin Timberlake
is on TV.

15> Then: sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Now: MILF porn, Viagra and Yanni.

14> Getting out of bed produces more pops, creaks and groans than
an antique schooner made of Rice Crispies.

13> Suddenly feels extra-pervy when wanking to Lindsay Lohan pix.

12> Now needs a Clapper to raise the head of his Craftmatic bed so
he can make sure nobody’s messing with his Rascal at night.

11> Monthly shipment of “Girls Gone Wild” videos now comes with
Surgeon General’s warning.

10> With each passing day, Sophia Loren looks hotter and hotter.

9> Thirty years removed from high-school Spanish class, a trip to
Costa Rica for a quick lipo and bum lift resulted in man-boob
augmentation surgery.

8> Last year, had more hemorrhoids than drunken hookups.

7> Has a cameo in Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” — as a
threatening source of methane.

6> Was secretly ecstatic when the birthday stripper canceled
and everyone ended up watching reruns of “Simon and Simon.”

5> It’s a bitch finding dentures with a built-in grill.

4> Every morning, the same damn IM from gr1mR34pr: “How r u
feeling 2day?”

3> His Depends make his Speedo lumpy in all the wrong places.

2> When he runs out of lube to use with his love doll, it seems
more like a woman his age.  [note:  I snorted tea out my nose when I read this]

and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Way Chris Is Feeling His Mortality…

1> These days when the hooker unzips his pants and reaches in,
she finds his navel.

http://www.topfive.com  – the best original humor on the internet

PS: to Chris — Good luck on your next half century.  Write if you get work.