July 23, 2007
Here’s a GREAT Top Five:
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
On Saturday, your favorite humor list moderator celebrated
half a century of semi-clean living on this hunk of rock.
The worst part about it is that in Los Angeles, 50 is the
new 20 — so I can’t drink legally again until NEXT July.
“Chris, what other issues might an aging Internet-pioneer-
who-missed-the-’90s-IPOs have to deal with?” you ask? Trust
me, it can get ugly. Here’s a little glimpse into my life…
The Top 20 Ways Chris Is Feeling His Mortality
20> Has started ordering his Shirley Temples with an olive instead
of a cherry.
19> That once-cool full-back tattoo of Jacko moonwalking seems
18> “Oh, yeah? Well, when I was young, we didn’t have amateur
video webcams with free pornography! We had to steal Dad’s
Playboys from his closet!”
17> His 13-year-old humor list wants the keys to the car, the
phone rings non-stop and #7 wants to know if he can get a
16> Screams “Get a haircut, hippie!” every time Justin Timberlake
is on TV.
15> Then: sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Now: MILF porn, Viagra and Yanni.
14> Getting out of bed produces more pops, creaks and groans than
an antique schooner made of Rice Crispies.
13> Suddenly feels extra-pervy when wanking to Lindsay Lohan pix.
12> Now needs a Clapper to raise the head of his Craftmatic bed so
he can make sure nobody’s messing with his Rascal at night.
11> Monthly shipment of “Girls Gone Wild” videos now comes with
Surgeon General’s warning.
10> With each passing day, Sophia Loren looks hotter and hotter.
9> Thirty years removed from high-school Spanish class, a trip to
Costa Rica for a quick lipo and bum lift resulted in man-boob
8> Last year, had more hemorrhoids than drunken hookups.
7> Has a cameo in Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” — as a
threatening source of methane.
6> Was secretly ecstatic when the birthday stripper canceled
and everyone ended up watching reruns of “Simon and Simon.”
5> It’s a bitch finding dentures with a built-in grill.
4> Every morning, the same damn IM from gr1mR34pr: “How r u
3> His Depends make his Speedo lumpy in all the wrong places.
2> When he runs out of lube to use with his love doll, it seems
more like a woman his age. [note: I snorted tea out my nose when I read this]
and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Way Chris Is Feeling His Mortality…
1> These days when the hooker unzips his pants and reaches in,
she finds his navel.
http://www.topfive.com – the best original humor on the internet
PS: to Chris — Good luck on your next half century. Write if you get work.