Urban Word of the Day
August 29, 2007: mouse arrest
Getting grounded from the family computer.
“That’s it, you are under mouse arrest mister!” – Your mom after discovering your [pornfolio]
I believe I have mentioned how much Goober a.k.a. Gunnar the German Shepard likes to chew things. He’s not very old, 18 months + or – so he should be about out of that stage. But it’s still dangerous to leave anything we value out in the yard.
I was cleaning out the steel dog bowls this morning. One of them has tooth marks in it. I can’t even imagine what kind of force it took to do that. I’ve hurled the bowls at the cement and left nary a scratch.
1 – Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2 – You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3 – There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4 – Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5 – Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6 – Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7 – The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8 – The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9 – Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10 – Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11 – Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12 – Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13 – Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14 – I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15 – Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16 – All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17 – If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18 – One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19 – By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20 – Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21 – The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22 – There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23 – This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.
24 – Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25 – The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a ‘do it yourself’ thing.
50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class
by Alan Meiss
1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690” and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!”
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream “YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?”
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk”.
9. Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
11. Play “Kumbaya” on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
13. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s “Sex Machine.”
16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps would know” and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as “worm”.
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number.
24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.
25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
27. Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
28. Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.
29. Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.
30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.
31. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.
32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”
34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.
35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.
36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.
41. Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk”.
42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field”.
50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”
Do you like mazes? This is cool.
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend… if you have one.”
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
Thomas Brackett Reed
“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.”
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
I’m trying to imagine holding my hand still for that long.
English to AOL’er
This is what I typed in – you can copy and paste it if you are feeling lazy
Hi, how are you doing today? We walked the dogs tonight, they were bad as usual until the end. Cesar would not be proud of us.