Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

TopFive is currently in re-runs as Chris works on the new website.

[Sure glad I bought my lifetime membership so I could have reruns for months.  Grrrr.  These are worth a re-read today, though. ]

C  L  U  B  T  O  P  5
Feed your head.

June 26, 2000

The Top 17 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

17> You’ve got Windows on your laptop.

16> Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.

15> Your dork is ajar.

14> Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13> I can see your Gap dancers.

12> Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…

11> Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10> Elvis Junior has left the building!

9> Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8> Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck,

7> Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

6> Lil’ Shaq’s at the free show line.

5> You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”

4> Your closet door is open and Donato’s peeking out.

3> You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2> I see you have an opening in senior management.

and’s Number 1 Way to
Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped…

1> Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

[  The Top 5 List ]
[   Copyright 2000 by Chris White    ]

“Half-Mast”    and    “Petered Out”
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today’s list come later in this message.
Selected from 193 submissions from 72 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:
Pat McCarley, Missouri City, TX     —  1  (Woohoo!  1st #1!)
Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT  —  2
David Kass, Brooklyn, NY            —  3, 11  (Hall of Famer)
Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY        —  4
Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL          —  4
Chris Irby, Dallas, TX              —  5
Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA               —  6
Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL           —  7
Pam Pickard, North Canton, OH       —  8, 10
Tisha Stacey, Romeoville, IL        —  8
Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH            —  9, 16
Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA        — 10
Ann Rosenfeld, Austin, TX           — 10
Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC       — 10  (Hall of Famer)
Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA           — 11
Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC        — 11
Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA           — 11
Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ             — 12
Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE            — 13
Travis Ruetenik, Walnut Creek, CA   — 14
David Bryant, Columbia, MD          — 15
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA        — 17  (Hall of Famer)
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ       — Banner Tag
Dave Henry, Slidell, LA             — Runner Up list name
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA          — Honorable Mention list name
Chris White, New York, NY           — List owner/editor
The Rolling Stones, London, England — Ambience
Ambience explained:

Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
RUNNERS UP list  —  Half-Mast

Do you want some cheese with that baguette?
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Dr. Kimble has escaped
(Steven Bevier, Redwood City, CA)

Hail to the chief!
(Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL)

Hangtime for the homeboy
(Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)

Hello Guv’nor! (only applicable in Great Britain and Arkansas)
(Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)

Houston, we have a knoblem.
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)

I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
(Eric Lipton, Washington, DC)

If you want to make the team, you need to work on your pole vault.
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)

Judge Jackson has ruled on your zipper.
(Jim Griffith, Sunnyvale, CA)

Linguine Alfresco!
(Paul Paternoster, Los Altos, CA)

The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
(Jaime McCarley, Houston, TX)

The curtain is up on Midget Theatre!
(Pam Pickard, North Canton, OH)

There’s Something About Your Zipper
(Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA)

There’s a breeze in the Bat Cave.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

(John Treusch, Burlington, NJ)

Why the long crotch?
(Jesse Weiss, St. Paul, MN)

You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
(Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA)

Your dirk is diggling.
(Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA)

Your hard drive isn’t behind the copy machine.
(Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL)

Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
(Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA)

Zip it.  Zip it good.
(Larry Baum, Hong Kong)

Runner Up list name
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)

Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
HONORABLE MENTION list  —  Petered Out

Attracting eyeballs to your portal
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)

Don’t look now, but Arte Johnson is about to stick his head out
and tell a joke.
(Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)

Encouraging a penile delinquent
(Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)

Getting feedback from Mr. Microphone.
(Tisha Stacey, Romeoville, IL)

I can see the gun of Navarone.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Is this your first private showing?
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)

It seems that you’ve implemented an “open pants” policy
(Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)

Looks like you’re clearing a path for the Crocodile Hunter.
(Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA)
(Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL)

Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)

Mr. Greenspan wants to leave the Fed
(Christopher Troise, New York, NY)

Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
(Chris Irby, Dallas, TX)

The cucumber has left the salad.
(Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI)

The dark knight is unmasked.
(Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA)

The drawbridge is lowered and your king is preparing to ride forth.
(Doug Finney, Houston, TX)

Trying to prove you’re not Hillary Swank.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)

You got a gopher hole in the garden.
(Travis Ruetenik, Walnut Creek, CA)

Your Tiger has left the Woods
(Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI)

Your airlock is open, and maybe nobody could hear me scream in
space, but this ain’t space, so it better slide shut soon.
(Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE)

Your coding is open-sourced
(Eric Lipton, Washington, DC)

Your cooling tower’s experiencing a containment breach.
(Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH)

Your trousers are puckering up.
(Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH)

Your zip file is decompressed!
(Patrick Major, Dallas, OR)

Honorable Mention list name
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)