Kirk surprisingly effective with his “Whoa! Phasers set to stunning!” pickup line.

Top Five is finally back in production –

May 8, 2009


The new “Star Trek” movie came out today.
It’s a “prequel” set in the year 2151.

The Top 16 Surprises in the New “Star Trek”

16> The very first Starfleet Academy looks an awful lot like
Mrs. Kirk’s basement.

15> Spock’s ears became pointed when an overly excited Kirk
kept pulling on them during their secret bunk liaisons.

14> The Enterprise is not powered by dilithium crystals, but
instead relies on turbine power generated by Gene Roddenberry
spinning in his grave.

13> Young Scotty cries his eyes out when his Pinewood Derby car
came in dead last.

12> Kirk marks human territory on new planets by urinating and
exclaiming, “Just going where no man has gone before!”

11> To Leonard Nimoy’s dismay, focus groups consider new Spock
to be 20 percent Spockier.

10> Transporter room jokers were constantly screwing around with
the controls to add extra breasts to the green chicks.

9> Shatner’s cameo as The Prime Negotiator on planet Priceline.

8> Sulu becomes noticeably aroused at every mention of the
Captain’s log.

7> The Enterprise’s original mission was to “boldly go where a
few people may have gone, but they didn’t give it a detailed-
enough review on so maybe we’ll check it out
again, this time with a more neutral perspective.”

6> Way back then, Tribbleburgers were all the rage.

5> Because of continuing fallout from the soaring national debt,
the bold 5-year mission was reduced to a single weekend in

4> “It’s worse than that; it’s Swine Flu, Jim!”

3> Enterprise warranty voided when General Starships files for
Chapter 11.

2> The curse begins when Lionel J. Redshirt naively volunteers,
thinking the “landing party” is going to feature wine and
finger foods.

and’s Number 1 Surprise in the New “Star Trek”…

1> Adorable little Tribbles have been replaced by the Satanic
Spawn of the Evil Octomom.

[ Copyright 2008 by Chris White/ ]

The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions


Surprises in the New “Star Trek”
RUNNERS UP list  —  Red Shirters

“Look, I’m just saying that if MY name were ‘Schlomo,’ I would
tell people my full Vulcan name was too hard to pronounce.”
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)

A drunk Kirk promises Sulu not to tell anyone that he was the
first to go where no man had gone before.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

At 15, Kirk opens a fortune cookie that says, “You will die
wrestling Alex from ‘A Clockwork Orange.'”
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Bumper sticker on Vulcan cruiser: “Yes we Khan!”
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)

Early versions of the Enterprise had bitchin’ 26-inch rims.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Enterprise makes pit stops on every star in Orion for a Starbucks
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)

Fleet Enema paid dearly for the Star Fleet naming rights.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)

It took five years and many demerits at Starfleet Academy for
Spock to use his iconic “That conclusion is illogical” in place of
“Psshhh… stupid human bullshit!”
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)

Kirk learned his legendary ambassador skills from his mentor,
Commander William J. Clinton VI.
(Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)

Retro clothing and hair styles reminiscent of the 2060’s and
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Spock slips up and refers to himself as Sylar.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

Spock’s tricorder detects Lt. Uhura’s footprints on the ceiling of
the shuttlecraft.
(Chuck Sawyer, Rochester, NY)

Sulu was the first person admitted to Star Fleet under the new
“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” program.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)

The ship’s first attack is against Shatner’s toupee.
(Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA)

The tension between them originates when Spock steals McCoy’s
“Klingons around Uranus” joke.
(Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID)

Uhura goes by her maiden name, Vajayjay.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)

Runners Up list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)

Surprises in the New “Star Trek”
HONORABLE MENTIONS list  —  Star Dreck

2nd Officer McStoner, played by Seth Rogen
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

An immature Captain Kirk failed to satisfy intergalactic lovers
due to making love at warp speed.
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)

Cameo by William Shatner’s hairpiece as a Tribble.
(John J. Brassil, Nashville, TN)

It’s true! Vulcans have pointy penises!
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Khan is considerably less threatening with that white suit and the
little sidekick.
(Chuck Sawyer, Rochester, NY)

Kirk and Spock first met during the Academy’s mandatory Macarena
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

Kirk had an illegitimate child with one Mademoiselle Yvette Picard.
(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA)

Kirk was surprisingly effective with his “Whoa! Phasers set to
stunning!” pickup line.
(Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY)

Obvious product placement, as the Enterprise now runs on Folgers
Crystals, Spock’s Tricorder looks suspiciously like a Zune, and
Scotty uses Duct Tape to fix darn near everything.
(Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY)

Smooth-talking Sulu from the big city teaches naive Iowa farm boy
Kirk about the REAL “Final Frontier.”
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)

Spock installed “Pong” on his tricorder to help pass the time
while resting between sessions with Mudd’s Women.
(Andy Grosser, Boston, MA)

Spock reacts to scientific anomalies not with, “Fascinating…”
but with, “Honest to blog?!”
(Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA)

Spock was the hands-down “Quarter Bounce” champion at Starfleet
(Geoff Brown, Commerce, MI)

Spock’s given name? Benjamin.
(David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA)

Sulu’s commands for the ship’s velocity: Fast, Burnin’ Rubber,
Haulin’ Ass.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

The Klingon’s were a much fairer people until they took in that
quack transient from planet Bosley.
(Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID)

The Vulcan greeting sign can actually be found in the Kama Sutra.
(Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA)

Tribbles resulted when a poodle got it on with a Swiffer.
(Chuck Sawyer, Rochester, NY)

We find out how McCoy got the nickname “Bones.” Hint: it involves
the transporter and a case of Viagra.
(Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX)