In an alternate reality, this is considered funny stuff.   No, really!  The staph one made me guffaw.  Aw, hell, I liked all of them.  These are mostly from Brian Malow and funny commenter peeps at BoingBoing

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“Werner Heisenberg MAY have slept here.”

Shroedinger’s cat walked into a bar.
But it didn’t.

Infection walks into a bar. Barkeep says, “We don’t serve your kind
here!”
Infection says, “Well, you’re not a very good host!”

Two bacteria walk into a bar. Bartender says,”we don’t serve bacteria
here.” Bacteria replies,”but we work here! We’re staph!”

The hydrogen atom says to the oxygen atom, “Hey buddy, have you seen an electron around here? I seem to have lost mine.”
“Are you sure you lost it?” the oxygen atom asks.
And the hydrogen atom says, “I’m positive!”

So an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “I hate you guys” and pours two beers.

A Large Hadron Collider walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve large hadron colliders in here.”
The Large Hadron Collider says, “That’s OK. I’m broke, anyway.”

A Lichen walks into a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve your Kind in here.” The Lichen says “that’s O.K., we don’t drink.”

A photon checks into a hotel. The bell hop asks him ” Can I help you with your luggage?” To which the photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m traveling light.”

A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer. As the neutron is reaching for its wallet, the bartender looks at it and says, “Oh, for you–no charge.”