UWOD

I wonder, are people really using this yet? I started using snail mail a looooooong time ago. But I hadn’t heard “tree-book” until today.

———————

March 30: tree-book

A book printed on dead trees, i.e. paper, as opposed to an e-book, which only exists electronically. Compare with snail mail.

Thomas: Hey, how do you like your new Kindle?
Andrew: I don’t know, I haven’t used it yet. I’m still trying to finish all the tree-books I’m reading.

Video Carlos Santana Feat. Everlast – Put Your Lights On

Video Carlos Santana Feat. Everlast – Put Your Lights On.

I love this, it’s off one of the first collaboration albums Carlos Santana did with current artists in 1999.  Man, I LOVED that album.  I actually bought Everlast albums after listening to this and liked them.   That’s my only foray into rap, I think.  It’s pretty low-key, though. Maybe not even really rap.  I was going through the Big Divorce at that point and trying out new stuff.  And people.

Anne had this on her site – thanks for the memories, Anne!
Also, Carlos Santana is a treasure, isn’t he? Whooo-eeee, that guy can play guitar. Love that sweet whine.

Wonder how this will shake out?

HTML 5 Could Challenge Flash
Technology Review (03/23/10) Naone, Erica

The Adobe Flash plugin has maintained its status as one of the most common ways for developers to create complex interactive Web features irrespective of the browser or operating system used, but experts point to new browser technologies such as the HTML 5 open Web standard as emerging challengers.

Whereas Flash introduces additional capabilities to browsers following downloading and installation, the nonproprietary HTML 5 would guarantee that similar functionality is embedded within browsers that adopted it as a standard by default, with no single company controlling it.

At the recent South by Southwest Interactive event, industry experts discussed the possibility that HTML 5’s Canvas component–which permits graphics, animation, and interactive features to run inside a browser without any additional plugins–could replace Flash’s own in-browser graphics and animation rendering capabilities.

Complicating the competition between Flash and HTML 5 is the lack of support for Flash in Apple’s iPhone and iPad, while HTML 5 does not function on Internet Explorer.

Goob and the Bee

Winter set back in today, rained last night, and it got cold. Apparently the plants and bees haven’t noticed.
The wisteria on the patio cover is coming on full bore, and when you stand underneath, the whole structure fairly hums with bees.
(click for a little larger view)

Our big lovely German Shepherd, Gunnar, a.k.a. Goober/Goob, was out under the wisteria today and a bee dropped down in front of him. He ate it. Yelped around, found another one, and did it again. Poor Goob is the very definition of brainless. Sweet, but unutterably dumb.
The arrows point to his tongue coming out in anticipation and the bee, about not to be. (click for a larger view)

This is my favorite (for the moment) orchid blooming again. You can’t even see the second spray in this picture. I hope I get one before the blooms all fall off. Also, can you see my pizza clock? It’s pretty funny. What time is it? It’s Pizza Time! This is the only clock I’ve ever owned that I cared enough about to even have an opinion on.


Lewi guest stars in the background.

Goob loves getting brushed. Lewi wonders why.

Every time I see this I hear the sheep in “Babe” crying, “Wooooolves, Wooooolves!”

Not always right

I know this website has been around for a long time but these were making me howl tonight.

For Signs Of Stupidity, The Buck Stops Here

Government | Maine, USA

(We are responsible for the placement of traffic signs. I get this call from a resident where we just placed a deer Crossing sign.)

Me: “Hello, [government office]. How may I help you?”

Resident: “Yes, you just placed a Deer Crossing sign down the street from my house.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Resident: “Well, I am not happy with its location. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of deer cross the roads in my neighborhood.”

Me: “What is your concern about its location?”

Resident: “I’d like you to move it down the road a few yards. It would be a lot more convenient if the deer knew to cross there. Can you do that before they get used to it where it is?

——————-

Sadly Just Small-Fry

Fast Food | New York, NY, USA

Customer: “Hi, I’d like some of your free Wi-fries.”

Me: “Um, excuse me?”

Customer: “I heard on your commercial that you were offering free Wi-fries.”

Me: “Oh, you must have misunderstood. It means we offer free wireless internet here, not free fries.”

Customer: “Oh man, I was looking forward to trying a new kind of fry.”

————————–

Remote Possibilities Are A Waste Of Time

Tech Support | PEI, Canada

Customer: “My cable box is broken.”

Me: “What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “Roughly every 1 minute the channel goes up. I tried turning it off and on, I tried unplugging it, I made sure no one was sitting on the remote, nothing works, you guys gave me a broken box!”

Me: “What does it currently show on the front of the box sir?”

Customer: “Channel 932.”

Me: “And what time is it sir?”

Customer: “9:32. Oh.” *hangs up*

————————————–

Definitely Not To Be

Bookstore | Ft. Myers, FL, USA

Customer: “Hello, do you happen to have a copy of Hamlet?”

Me: “Yes we do. Let me show you to it.”

Customer: “Well, actually, do you have an audio version of it?”

Me: “Hmm, maybe. Let me look it up.”

Customer: “Okay, but can you make sure it’s one read by the author?”

—————–

Microbrain

Tech Support | New York, NY, USA

Caller: “This f***ing computer won’t work!”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Caller: “Whenever I click on something, this stupid little hourglass won’t go away!”

Me: “Are you sure it’s not frozen?”

Caller: “You think this is some kind of joke! I don’t leave my computer in the snow!”

(I try to explain several times what the term ‘frozen’ means.)

Caller: “So, how do I heat it up? Never mind! Why do I even call you people? I’ll just stick it in the microwave to heat it up. Thanks for nothing!” *hangs up*

OMG I love haiku

Blast from the past.  My faves are 17 and 20.

South Florida drive.
Smoking clutch, third gear a dream.
BlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlink.

NOTES FROM CHRIS:

While TopFive/Ruminations is on Spring Hiatus this week,
we’ll be regaling you with classic lists and Ruminations.

-=++=-

Today’s list was originally published on June 18, 2003.

The Top 20 Driving Haikus

20> Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink
Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink.
Someday, you’ll turn left.

19> Lumbering monster.
Imports scatter before me.
Fear my Escalade!

18> I’m in a hurry.
You are driving too slowly.
I must gesture now.

17> It’s always the same:
“Next exit 84 miles”
When I have to pee.

16> Emits pollution
And spews poison gases.  Car?
No, it’s John Rocker.

15> Rearview mirror shows
Highway patrol behind me.
How many did I have?

14> Wake up in ER.
I was driving and reading,
Then I heard a crash.

13> Oooh, there’s a Starbucks!
Let’s pull over and buy some
Four-dollar coffee.

12> H2 SUV.
Traffic jam, gas tank on E.
U R SOL.

11> Run, pedestrian!
I can’t stop!  Jump that curb!… Damn.
Bumpers are *not* cheap.

10> An exact-change lane,
And you’ve only brought Visa?
Please, never leave home.

9> Wheels are like mountains
In your giant monster truck.
Your schlong?  Still compact.

8> Ponytailed boomer
Doing thirty while singing
“Life in the Fast Lane.”

7> Get off that cell phone!
Safety dictates only *one*
Driver’s side air bag.

6> Use the crosswalk, fool!
I might not react in time!
Well, those are the brakes.

5> Self-important prick!
Signal turns or you may find
Baby on *dash* board.

4> Car slides over bridge!
Glad my underwear is clean.
Oops!  I spoke too soon.

3> Cut *me* off, you scum?
Pass you on the right!  I win!!
Morning, officer.

2> Something just happened
Between me and the leather.
Please crack a window.

and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Driving Haiku…

1> My toll-booth hottie
Can’t hear my smooth pickup lines
Over the car horns.

Runners up [and yeah, I should really learn to use the More tag]

The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions

——————————

————————————
Driving Haikus
RUNNERS UP list  —  Skid Marks
——————————————————————

A Mini-Cooper!
Perhaps fun to observe, but
A skateboard’s safer.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

A call comes, she slows.
All must wait.  Can we shove that
Cell phone up her ass?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

A loud noise, a thump
Reveal an eternal truth:
Sidewalk’s not for cars.
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Aggressive tailgate
Mocking my careful habits.
Now I drive slower.
(Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA)

Bright red brake lights flash
For no apparent reason.
Are you seeing ghosts?
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)

Cones along the road,
Orange miles stretch on and on.
No sign of road work.
(Andrea Crain, Madison, WI)

Drive a Ferrari?
Sorry about your penis.
Testosterossa!
(Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX)

Drove through a puddle,
But never drove out of it.
Need a bigger car.
(David Kass, Brooklyn, NY)

Left blinker stuck on,
But nobody is driving!
Wait… I see blue hair.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

My mighty Hummer’s
Dented fender makes me weep.
There’s no insurance.
(Reid Kerr, Carthage, TX)

Naive car owner
Fills up fuel tank and proceeds;
Fuel door waves hello.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

Please fill ‘er up with
Premium.  We own Iraq,
So who gives a damn?
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Proud Winnebago
Up the switchbacks, inch by inch.
“No turnouts for *me*!”
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Pull out of the drive,
Turn signals always flashing
Have a nice trip, Gramps!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Subwoofer throbbing,
Spoiler bigger than the car.
Loser in Civic.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Through the needle’s eye
The camel never squeezes.
Merge in front of me?!
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Turn signal still on,
Driving slowly in left lane.
Early-bird special?
(Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC)

You cut me off, jerk.
I must put cap in your ass.
Next time, you think first.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)

Runner Up list name
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

——————————————————————
Driving Haikus
HONORABLE MENTION list  —  Student Drivers
——————————————————————

Forty miles per hour,
Blocking the fast lane; must be
An important call.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

All around me: rage.
But I am calm and serene.
Both hands flip the bird.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Blinker a-flashin’,
But no one is a-turnin’.
Someone’s a-stupid.
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Construction ahead.
Delays will likely ensue.
Road rage imminent.
(Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA)

Darting in and out,
The biker dude ignores lanes.
Fling open my door?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Drift, weave, slam on brakes.
Weave, slam on brakes, drift, weave, weave.
Put down the damn phone!
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)

Driving a Hummer:
It means never having to
Say that you’re sorry.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

Driving in straight line,
Driver turns without warning.
Turn signal, jackass!
(Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)

Eight miles per gallon,
Off-road chances in L.A.
It’s the Excursion!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Finger sticking up
As I merge into her lane.
Soccer mom from hell.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Freshly-brewed coffee
Rouses me on the commute,
When spilled in my lap.
(Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA)

Frozen like a pond.
Such are all these idiots
At a four-way stop.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Highway patrol car
Glides into view, as the world
Slows to seventy.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

I’m driving too slow?
Pass me, and the car ahead —
The one with Mars lights.
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)

It says, “Merge,” not “Stop,”
You drooling waste of carbon!
Speed up and slip in!
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Missing back window,
Trash bag and duct tape conceals
High deductible.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

My victories marked
by random dents and blood spots.
Bumper-tag winner.
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sirens flash, lights blaze,
Bullhorns bellow, “Pull over!”
Maybe I should stop?
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sitting in traffic,
California rainstorm.
Where’d I put my gun?
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

South Florida drive.
Smoking clutch, third gear a dream.
BlinkBlinkBlinkBlinkBlink.
(Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA)

That’s *not* a turn lane.
If someone hits you head-on
It will serve you right.
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)

Want to play chicken
With my American van?
Silly Volkswagen.
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

Who’s that slow driver
Admiring God’s creation?
Ramming speed!  My bad.
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)

Whose SUV is
Biggest?  Clearly mine is tops!
Just penis envy.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Why did I buy this?
Everyone knows Yugos suck!
I’m better off dead.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)