OMG I love haiku

Blast from the past.  My faves are 17 and 20.

South Florida drive.
Smoking clutch, third gear a dream.


While TopFive/Ruminations is on Spring Hiatus this week,
we’ll be regaling you with classic lists and Ruminations.


Today’s list was originally published on June 18, 2003.

The Top 20 Driving Haikus

20> Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink
Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink.
Someday, you’ll turn left.

19> Lumbering monster.
Imports scatter before me.
Fear my Escalade!

18> I’m in a hurry.
You are driving too slowly.
I must gesture now.

17> It’s always the same:
“Next exit 84 miles”
When I have to pee.

16> Emits pollution
And spews poison gases.  Car?
No, it’s John Rocker.

15> Rearview mirror shows
Highway patrol behind me.
How many did I have?

14> Wake up in ER.
I was driving and reading,
Then I heard a crash.

13> Oooh, there’s a Starbucks!
Let’s pull over and buy some
Four-dollar coffee.

12> H2 SUV.
Traffic jam, gas tank on E.

11> Run, pedestrian!
I can’t stop!  Jump that curb!… Damn.
Bumpers are *not* cheap.

10> An exact-change lane,
And you’ve only brought Visa?
Please, never leave home.

9> Wheels are like mountains
In your giant monster truck.
Your schlong?  Still compact.

8> Ponytailed boomer
Doing thirty while singing
“Life in the Fast Lane.”

7> Get off that cell phone!
Safety dictates only *one*
Driver’s side air bag.

6> Use the crosswalk, fool!
I might not react in time!
Well, those are the brakes.

5> Self-important prick!
Signal turns or you may find
Baby on *dash* board.

4> Car slides over bridge!
Glad my underwear is clean.
Oops!  I spoke too soon.

3> Cut *me* off, you scum?
Pass you on the right!  I win!!
Morning, officer.

2> Something just happened
Between me and the leather.
Please crack a window.

and’s Number 1 Driving Haiku…

1> My toll-booth hottie
Can’t hear my smooth pickup lines
Over the car horns.

Runners up [and yeah, I should really learn to use the More tag]

The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions


Driving Haikus
RUNNERS UP list  —  Skid Marks

A Mini-Cooper!
Perhaps fun to observe, but
A skateboard’s safer.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

A call comes, she slows.
All must wait.  Can we shove that
Cell phone up her ass?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

A loud noise, a thump
Reveal an eternal truth:
Sidewalk’s not for cars.
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Aggressive tailgate
Mocking my careful habits.
Now I drive slower.
(Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA)

Bright red brake lights flash
For no apparent reason.
Are you seeing ghosts?
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)

Cones along the road,
Orange miles stretch on and on.
No sign of road work.
(Andrea Crain, Madison, WI)

Drive a Ferrari?
Sorry about your penis.
(Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX)

Drove through a puddle,
But never drove out of it.
Need a bigger car.
(David Kass, Brooklyn, NY)

Left blinker stuck on,
But nobody is driving!
Wait… I see blue hair.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

My mighty Hummer’s
Dented fender makes me weep.
There’s no insurance.
(Reid Kerr, Carthage, TX)

Naive car owner
Fills up fuel tank and proceeds;
Fuel door waves hello.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

Please fill ‘er up with
Premium.  We own Iraq,
So who gives a damn?
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Proud Winnebago
Up the switchbacks, inch by inch.
“No turnouts for *me*!”
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Pull out of the drive,
Turn signals always flashing
Have a nice trip, Gramps!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Subwoofer throbbing,
Spoiler bigger than the car.
Loser in Civic.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Through the needle’s eye
The camel never squeezes.
Merge in front of me?!
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Turn signal still on,
Driving slowly in left lane.
Early-bird special?
(Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC)

You cut me off, jerk.
I must put cap in your ass.
Next time, you think first.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)

Runner Up list name
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Driving Haikus
HONORABLE MENTION list  —  Student Drivers

Forty miles per hour,
Blocking the fast lane; must be
An important call.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

All around me: rage.
But I am calm and serene.
Both hands flip the bird.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Blinker a-flashin’,
But no one is a-turnin’.
Someone’s a-stupid.
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Construction ahead.
Delays will likely ensue.
Road rage imminent.
(Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA)

Darting in and out,
The biker dude ignores lanes.
Fling open my door?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Drift, weave, slam on brakes.
Weave, slam on brakes, drift, weave, weave.
Put down the damn phone!
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)

Driving a Hummer:
It means never having to
Say that you’re sorry.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

Driving in straight line,
Driver turns without warning.
Turn signal, jackass!
(Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)

Eight miles per gallon,
Off-road chances in L.A.
It’s the Excursion!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Finger sticking up
As I merge into her lane.
Soccer mom from hell.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Freshly-brewed coffee
Rouses me on the commute,
When spilled in my lap.
(Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA)

Frozen like a pond.
Such are all these idiots
At a four-way stop.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Highway patrol car
Glides into view, as the world
Slows to seventy.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

I’m driving too slow?
Pass me, and the car ahead —
The one with Mars lights.
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)

It says, “Merge,” not “Stop,”
You drooling waste of carbon!
Speed up and slip in!
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Missing back window,
Trash bag and duct tape conceals
High deductible.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

My victories marked
by random dents and blood spots.
Bumper-tag winner.
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sirens flash, lights blaze,
Bullhorns bellow, “Pull over!”
Maybe I should stop?
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sitting in traffic,
California rainstorm.
Where’d I put my gun?
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

South Florida drive.
Smoking clutch, third gear a dream.
(Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA)

That’s *not* a turn lane.
If someone hits you head-on
It will serve you right.
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)

Want to play chicken
With my American van?
Silly Volkswagen.
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

Who’s that slow driver
Admiring God’s creation?
Ramming speed!  My bad.
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)

Whose SUV is
Biggest?  Clearly mine is tops!
Just penis envy.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Why did I buy this?
Everyone knows Yugos suck!
I’m better off dead.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)

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