OMG I love haiku

Blast from the past.  My faves are 17 and 20.

South Florida drive.
Smoking clutch, third gear a dream.


While TopFive/Ruminations is on Spring Hiatus this week,
we’ll be regaling you with classic lists and Ruminations.


Today’s list was originally published on June 18, 2003.

The Top 20 Driving Haikus

20> Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink
Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink.
Someday, you’ll turn left.

19> Lumbering monster.
Imports scatter before me.
Fear my Escalade!

18> I’m in a hurry.
You are driving too slowly.
I must gesture now.

17> It’s always the same:
“Next exit 84 miles”
When I have to pee.

16> Emits pollution
And spews poison gases.  Car?
No, it’s John Rocker.

15> Rearview mirror shows
Highway patrol behind me.
How many did I have?

14> Wake up in ER.
I was driving and reading,
Then I heard a crash.

13> Oooh, there’s a Starbucks!
Let’s pull over and buy some
Four-dollar coffee.

12> H2 SUV.
Traffic jam, gas tank on E.

11> Run, pedestrian!
I can’t stop!  Jump that curb!… Damn.
Bumpers are *not* cheap.

10> An exact-change lane,
And you’ve only brought Visa?
Please, never leave home.

9> Wheels are like mountains
In your giant monster truck.
Your schlong?  Still compact.

8> Ponytailed boomer
Doing thirty while singing
“Life in the Fast Lane.”

7> Get off that cell phone!
Safety dictates only *one*
Driver’s side air bag.

6> Use the crosswalk, fool!
I might not react in time!
Well, those are the brakes.

5> Self-important prick!
Signal turns or you may find
Baby on *dash* board.

4> Car slides over bridge!
Glad my underwear is clean.
Oops!  I spoke too soon.

3> Cut *me* off, you scum?
Pass you on the right!  I win!!
Morning, officer.

2> Something just happened
Between me and the leather.
Please crack a window.

and’s Number 1 Driving Haiku…

1> My toll-booth hottie
Can’t hear my smooth pickup lines
Over the car horns.

Runners up [and yeah, I should really learn to use the More tag]

The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions


Driving Haikus
RUNNERS UP list  —  Skid Marks

A Mini-Cooper!
Perhaps fun to observe, but
A skateboard’s safer.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

A call comes, she slows.
All must wait.  Can we shove that
Cell phone up her ass?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

A loud noise, a thump
Reveal an eternal truth:
Sidewalk’s not for cars.
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Aggressive tailgate
Mocking my careful habits.
Now I drive slower.
(Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA)

Bright red brake lights flash
For no apparent reason.
Are you seeing ghosts?
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)

Cones along the road,
Orange miles stretch on and on.
No sign of road work.
(Andrea Crain, Madison, WI)

Drive a Ferrari?
Sorry about your penis.
(Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX)

Drove through a puddle,
But never drove out of it.
Need a bigger car.
(David Kass, Brooklyn, NY)

Left blinker stuck on,
But nobody is driving!
Wait… I see blue hair.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

My mighty Hummer’s
Dented fender makes me weep.
There’s no insurance.
(Reid Kerr, Carthage, TX)

Naive car owner
Fills up fuel tank and proceeds;
Fuel door waves hello.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

Please fill ‘er up with
Premium.  We own Iraq,
So who gives a damn?
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Proud Winnebago
Up the switchbacks, inch by inch.
“No turnouts for *me*!”
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Pull out of the drive,
Turn signals always flashing
Have a nice trip, Gramps!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Subwoofer throbbing,
Spoiler bigger than the car.
Loser in Civic.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Through the needle’s eye
The camel never squeezes.
Merge in front of me?!
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Turn signal still on,
Driving slowly in left lane.
Early-bird special?
(Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC)

You cut me off, jerk.
I must put cap in your ass.
Next time, you think first.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)

Runner Up list name
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Driving Haikus
HONORABLE MENTION list  —  Student Drivers

Forty miles per hour,
Blocking the fast lane; must be
An important call.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

All around me: rage.
But I am calm and serene.
Both hands flip the bird.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Blinker a-flashin’,
But no one is a-turnin’.
Someone’s a-stupid.
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Construction ahead.
Delays will likely ensue.
Road rage imminent.
(Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA)

Darting in and out,
The biker dude ignores lanes.
Fling open my door?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Drift, weave, slam on brakes.
Weave, slam on brakes, drift, weave, weave.
Put down the damn phone!
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)

Driving a Hummer:
It means never having to
Say that you’re sorry.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

Driving in straight line,
Driver turns without warning.
Turn signal, jackass!
(Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)

Eight miles per gallon,
Off-road chances in L.A.
It’s the Excursion!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Finger sticking up
As I merge into her lane.
Soccer mom from hell.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Freshly-brewed coffee
Rouses me on the commute,
When spilled in my lap.
(Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA)

Frozen like a pond.
Such are all these idiots
At a four-way stop.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Highway patrol car
Glides into view, as the world
Slows to seventy.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

I’m driving too slow?
Pass me, and the car ahead —
The one with Mars lights.
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)

It says, “Merge,” not “Stop,”
You drooling waste of carbon!
Speed up and slip in!
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Missing back window,
Trash bag and duct tape conceals
High deductible.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

My victories marked
by random dents and blood spots.
Bumper-tag winner.
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sirens flash, lights blaze,
Bullhorns bellow, “Pull over!”
Maybe I should stop?
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sitting in traffic,
California rainstorm.
Where’d I put my gun?
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

South Florida drive.
Smoking clutch, third gear a dream.
(Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA)

That’s *not* a turn lane.
If someone hits you head-on
It will serve you right.
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)

Want to play chicken
With my American van?
Silly Volkswagen.
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

Who’s that slow driver
Admiring God’s creation?
Ramming speed!  My bad.
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)

Whose SUV is
Biggest?  Clearly mine is tops!
Just penis envy.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Why did I buy this?
Everyone knows Yugos suck!
I’m better off dead.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)

Election Haiku

I like number 3 a lot.

C  L  U  B  T  O  P  5
Lose 5 inches off your mid-section — guaranteed!
Interact with TopFive!

April 23, 2008


Think TopFive can’t be classy?
We’ve got *poetry* for you today!

The Top 25 Election 2008 Haikus

25> Evil Viet Cong
And their horrid torture camps?
No match for this crap!

24> Dennis Kucinich
Said he saw UFOs, then
Disappeared in one.

23> The time has long past.
The fat lady sings to thee,
Huckabee, go home!

22> Hillary’s *so* tired.
Pranksters won’t stop calling her
Right at 3 a.m.

21> John McCain am I.
So strong, can crush you like bug.
Do not look at me!

20> Who wants the lesser
Of three evils? Bill Bradley,
Won’t you please come home?

19> John McCain makes speech:
“My fellow Americans,
Get off my damn lawn!”

18> Barack, be like Bill.
He *does* love America —
One chick at a time.

17> Ron Paul is still in.
Waiting for the mothership?
Reality check!

16> Hillary Clinton’s
Fades like Mets in fall.

15> Just say what you mean!
Don’t start every speech with
“What I meant to say…”

14> John McClain? “Die Hard”?
Hey, Iran: Yippie-kay-yay,
You evil mofos!

13> Hillary Clinton
Fighting Barack Obama?
You two get a room!

12> GOP to Dems:
Good luck choosing nominee.
Wake us in August.

11> Hillary was the
Odds-on favorite to win —
Like the Patriots.

10> Many candidates,
All of them equally bad.
Write in for Chris White!

9> Pennsylvanians
Can indeed be quite bitter —
Like Reverend Wright.

8> When will it be safe
To watch my TV again?
I’m sick of this crap.

7> Who won’t die, but comes
Once again to eat our brains?
Zombie Ralph Nader!

6> Hi. I’m John McCain.
Some say I’m too old to run.
Hi. I’m John McCain…

5> Bosnian snipers
Over a decade later
Shoot holes in Clinton.

4> Forget the war and
Economy plummeting —
Where’s his damn flag pin?!?

3> I’m watching Fox News.
Apparently, the sun shines
Out of McCain’s ass.

2> 3 a.m. phone call
Hillary answers, first ring
It’s Trixi, for Bill.

and’s Number 1 Election 2008 Haiku…

1> Hypnotizing me,
Winning my heart and my vote:
Obama Girl’s boobs.

[ Copyright 2008 by Chris White/ ]

Jury Selection

OMFG!! Who knew it could be so long and unbe-fucking-lievably boring? It’s a redrum trial, with 90 people sitting in the pool waiting for the hatchet. Yikes! Had to be there all day today, looks like I’ll have to be there all day tomorrow.

I don’t mind doing my civic duty. In fact, it’s an interesting diversion from real life. But that’s once you get to the trial part. The selection process is so tedious and dull that I was doing e-mail on my Treo (IN MY PURSE so it looked less like a Blackberry Prayer and maybe more like a demented bag person whom authorities would be loathe to interrogate). The bailiffs wouldn’t let us chew gum, read books, play solitaire or pee on demand. This was very difficult in the morning for a person who a) has a bladder the size of a pea (sp? 🙂 heh heh ) and b) took a diuretic earlier. Feh. And I’m trying not to talk about my short attention span here.

==Haiku Hiatus==

Jury selection
Part of our justice system
This is punishment!


Mair, you could chime in with stories of court reporters here. Ours was having as much trouble as the rest of us prospective jurors staying awake while the defense attorney asked the same time-killing questions over and over and over. He asked at one point if a prospective juror that made the first twenty to the bench had any reason not to like him and everyone in the courtroom muttered in unison under their breaths, “Yes, you talk too much!”


Fam News

I talked to mom for a while tonight. She had eye surgery today and her remarks and mood remind me of me after I had mine…. in awe of the technology and technique that could make such a difference in quality of life in such a short time. And painlessly, to boot.

She had the cloudy lens replaced in one eye with a nice clear synthetic one. Voila! Everything old is new again. She gets the other one done in April but wishes it was tomorrow.

More work avoidance

Mair writes:

No more lame movies!
Bed of Roses, You’ve Got Mail.
Homework Avoidance.

Fifth cappuccino
I’m almost ready to go.
My finance class SUCKS.

Fire up the Haiku Engine

Mair writes:

I just re-read all of the haiku on your website.  Some of them made me laugh out loud.  Good stuff, baby.  Those writers are VERY intelligent and talented!

Re-read old Haiku
Time to make up new Haiku
Homework avoidance?

Washed sheets, made the bed
Vacuumed, gardened, dishes done
Homework avoidance?


Now what shall I do?
Two-mile walk, petted all dogs
Homework avoidance?


Get out the shovel
Ooops, stole that one from sister.
Homework avoidance.


Flowin like river
I could do this forever.
Homework avoidance.


Me thinks Mair may not want to do her homework today.

On Washing Machines

We got a new washing machine two months ago, our old, old one finally gave up the ghost.
We spent a pretty penny on it and got the most energy efficient one that Sears carried. It has been working nicely, but I discovered something interesting about it tonight.

It will take a kleenex out of a jeans pocket and wash it w/out shredding it. And the rest of the clothes are clean, too. Isn’t that amazing? They SAID our clothes would last longer if we used this type of machine. Now I believe the manufacturer and the sales weenie. Don’t get me wrong, though, I don’t really want my clothes to last longer, I’d rather buy new ones on a regular basis.
Sheets and blankets, yes. Clothes, not so much.

Mullet Drive-By

I was driving to work the other day and saw this on the corner. The damned light changed while I was trying to get the camera up and ready, so the the shot isn’t very good, but still… I was there. I saw it. I (sort of) recorded it for posterity.
It’s the Uber Mullet. Very long and immaculately groomed. Nicely dressed. All in all, one weird package.

Y.C. Mullet Watching

Quote o’ the Day

“‘It is very pleasant dining with a bachelor,’ said Miss Matty, softly, as we settled ourselves in the counting-house. ‘I only hope it may not be improper; so many pleasant things are!’”



This is stolen directly from Top Five

  1. "You’ve never loved me!"
    "Why the hell did I come home?"
    "Please pass the gravy."
  2. See my family:
    They’re all such friggin’ morons.
    Turkey softens pain.
  3. Christmas music plays,
    Yet I haven’t finished my
    Halloween candy.
  4. Of all the things I’m
    thankful for, the least must be
    Turkey leftovers.
  5. A strange hand enters
    My tender lil’ turkey ass.
    Cut that out, pervert!
  6. White man invades us,
    Steals our land and livelihood!
    Enjoy pie, asswipes.
  7. The zen of Popeye
    Echoes as I fill my plate:
    I am what I yam.
  8. Cowboys score again!
    I leap for joy, plate o’erthrown.
    Fido feasts again.
  9. Let us give our thanks
    To those who prepared this feast.
    Bless you, KFC.
  10. Mom shopped way too late,
    Shelves were picked clean of turkeys.
    Enjoy your fried Spam.
  11. Stomach exploding,
    I can’t eat another bite.
    What? Pie? Bring it on!
  12. This bird has five legs!
    Thanks, genetic engineer.
    Drumsticks all around!
  13. There’s a duck inside
    That chicken and that turkey?
    You’re such a pig, dude!
  14. Full, succulent breast.
    Thighs so firm I salivate.
    *That’s* Cousin Sue? D’OH!
  15. That olive seems strange.
    It looks like… AH! A glass eye!
    Not funny, Grandma!
  16. Turkey! Stuffing! Pie!
    Wolf down, then sprint to the john…
    Feast with Mary-Kate.
  17. Pungent aromas
    Wafting from Grandpa’s buttocks.
    May I be excused?
  18. Pie sirens singing,
    Beckoning from the table,
    Taunting me loudly.
  19. So full I could burst.
    Keep that mint away, despite
    Its wafer thinness.
  20. Pumpkin pies untopped,
    Whipped cream dribbles from the can.
    Who took nitrous hits?
  21. Finger lickin’ good!
    Junior says the stuffing feels
    Like warm apple pie.
  22. Sometimes we’re thankful
    For the things we do *not* have.
    Like, you know, Trump’s hair.
  23. The Pilgrims landed
    In Massachusetts. And froze.
    Next time, try Key West.
  24. Carve the turkey… yum!
    White meat, dark meat, red meat– huh?
    Crap, I’ve sliced my thumb.
  25. If you’re just too full,
    Go ahead, undo your belt —
  26. Most Americans —
    Two thirds — are obese. Stuffing:
    Side dish *and* hobby.
  27. The carcass lies still,
    Stuffed and silent. It is Dad
    Watching football games.
  28. The diagnosis:
    Tryptophan-induced coma
    Gravy IV, stat!
  29. Forty-four years old,
    Still at the kiddie table.
    Pass the damn peas, punk.

    and the Number 1 Thanksgiving Haiku…

  30. Butterball Hot Line?
    This is an emergency!
    My penis is stuck!

Subscribe to Top Five here. It’s a very funny list, with a free version and a paid version. The haiku list was from a paid subscription, of course. Way worth whatever I paid for it, which was something like $12 for a year. Cheap entertainment!