Jokes

Oldie but goodie

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”

I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use
the spoon.”

Heh

I love how people try and come up with new and bizarrely spelled subjects to sneak through the spam filters.

I just got a spam (in my spam filter, thank you Google/Postini) that had a subject line of….

“In Rod We Thrust.”

Hah hah!

Well, it made ME laugh.

Sleeping Dogs

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar (though no tags) and well-fed belly and how clean he was that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

My dogs didn’t seem to mind him. He seemed like a good dog and I was OK with him, so I let him nap. An hour later he ambled to the door and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour.

This continued for days. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. I don’t mind but want to be sure it’s OK with you.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar.

“He lives in a home with six children — all boys. I’m sure he’s just trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?”

BFF

[from Mair, who is too big a chicken or too lazy to ever post this crap herself] Rowr!

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I
Said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that
ever happens, just pull the plug.”

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She’s such a bitch.

Oldie but goodie – Blonde joke

Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooooooooooooo…. can you see Florida?”

Another girly joke

A medical school professor was giving a lecture on involuntary
muscular contractions.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to
lighten the mood a bit.

Pointing to a woman in the first row he said, “What do you think
your asshole is doing when you are having an orgasm?”

Without blinking an eye she replied, “Golfing with his buddies.”

Blonde joke

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ….and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless.”

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
“Come on, baby…. Southern Girl needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down…and squealed…
“YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers… and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”

Moral —

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men….. are MEN.

joke

Campbell’s has announced it soon will stock America’s grocery store shelves with “Bush Soup,” in honor of our president.

A company spokesman said the soup will primarily consist of a weenie in hot water.

Good Ol’ Boys joke

Two good ole boys in Utah were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer…

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it sure would make us even.”