1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

2. Fact: Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman survives.

3. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

4. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

5. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

6. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

7. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

8. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

9. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

10. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

11. Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

12. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

13. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.