OMG I love haiku

Blast from the past.  My faves are 17 and 20.

South Florida drive.
Smoking clutch, third gear a dream.


While TopFive/Ruminations is on Spring Hiatus this week,
we’ll be regaling you with classic lists and Ruminations.


Today’s list was originally published on June 18, 2003.

The Top 20 Driving Haikus

20> Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink
Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink Blink.
Someday, you’ll turn left.

19> Lumbering monster.
Imports scatter before me.
Fear my Escalade!

18> I’m in a hurry.
You are driving too slowly.
I must gesture now.

17> It’s always the same:
“Next exit 84 miles”
When I have to pee.

16> Emits pollution
And spews poison gases.  Car?
No, it’s John Rocker.

15> Rearview mirror shows
Highway patrol behind me.
How many did I have?

14> Wake up in ER.
I was driving and reading,
Then I heard a crash.

13> Oooh, there’s a Starbucks!
Let’s pull over and buy some
Four-dollar coffee.

12> H2 SUV.
Traffic jam, gas tank on E.

11> Run, pedestrian!
I can’t stop!  Jump that curb!… Damn.
Bumpers are *not* cheap.

10> An exact-change lane,
And you’ve only brought Visa?
Please, never leave home.

9> Wheels are like mountains
In your giant monster truck.
Your schlong?  Still compact.

8> Ponytailed boomer
Doing thirty while singing
“Life in the Fast Lane.”

7> Get off that cell phone!
Safety dictates only *one*
Driver’s side air bag.

6> Use the crosswalk, fool!
I might not react in time!
Well, those are the brakes.

5> Self-important prick!
Signal turns or you may find
Baby on *dash* board.

4> Car slides over bridge!
Glad my underwear is clean.
Oops!  I spoke too soon.

3> Cut *me* off, you scum?
Pass you on the right!  I win!!
Morning, officer.

2> Something just happened
Between me and the leather.
Please crack a window.

and’s Number 1 Driving Haiku…

1> My toll-booth hottie
Can’t hear my smooth pickup lines
Over the car horns.

Runners up [and yeah, I should really learn to use the More tag]

The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions


Driving Haikus
RUNNERS UP list  —  Skid Marks

A Mini-Cooper!
Perhaps fun to observe, but
A skateboard’s safer.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

A call comes, she slows.
All must wait.  Can we shove that
Cell phone up her ass?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

A loud noise, a thump
Reveal an eternal truth:
Sidewalk’s not for cars.
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Aggressive tailgate
Mocking my careful habits.
Now I drive slower.
(Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA)

Bright red brake lights flash
For no apparent reason.
Are you seeing ghosts?
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)

Cones along the road,
Orange miles stretch on and on.
No sign of road work.
(Andrea Crain, Madison, WI)

Drive a Ferrari?
Sorry about your penis.
(Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX)

Drove through a puddle,
But never drove out of it.
Need a bigger car.
(David Kass, Brooklyn, NY)

Left blinker stuck on,
But nobody is driving!
Wait… I see blue hair.
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

My mighty Hummer’s
Dented fender makes me weep.
There’s no insurance.
(Reid Kerr, Carthage, TX)

Naive car owner
Fills up fuel tank and proceeds;
Fuel door waves hello.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

Please fill ‘er up with
Premium.  We own Iraq,
So who gives a damn?
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Proud Winnebago
Up the switchbacks, inch by inch.
“No turnouts for *me*!”
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Pull out of the drive,
Turn signals always flashing
Have a nice trip, Gramps!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Subwoofer throbbing,
Spoiler bigger than the car.
Loser in Civic.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Through the needle’s eye
The camel never squeezes.
Merge in front of me?!
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Turn signal still on,
Driving slowly in left lane.
Early-bird special?
(Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC)

You cut me off, jerk.
I must put cap in your ass.
Next time, you think first.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)

Runner Up list name
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Driving Haikus
HONORABLE MENTION list  —  Student Drivers

Forty miles per hour,
Blocking the fast lane; must be
An important call.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

All around me: rage.
But I am calm and serene.
Both hands flip the bird.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Blinker a-flashin’,
But no one is a-turnin’.
Someone’s a-stupid.
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Construction ahead.
Delays will likely ensue.
Road rage imminent.
(Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA)

Darting in and out,
The biker dude ignores lanes.
Fling open my door?
(Joseph Moore, Concord, CA)

Drift, weave, slam on brakes.
Weave, slam on brakes, drift, weave, weave.
Put down the damn phone!
(Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)

Driving a Hummer:
It means never having to
Say that you’re sorry.
(Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

Driving in straight line,
Driver turns without warning.
Turn signal, jackass!
(Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)

Eight miles per gallon,
Off-road chances in L.A.
It’s the Excursion!
(Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA)

Finger sticking up
As I merge into her lane.
Soccer mom from hell.
(John Voigt, Chicago, IL)

Freshly-brewed coffee
Rouses me on the commute,
When spilled in my lap.
(Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA)

Frozen like a pond.
Such are all these idiots
At a four-way stop.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

Highway patrol car
Glides into view, as the world
Slows to seventy.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

I’m driving too slow?
Pass me, and the car ahead —
The one with Mars lights.
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)

It says, “Merge,” not “Stop,”
You drooling waste of carbon!
Speed up and slip in!
(Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

Missing back window,
Trash bag and duct tape conceals
High deductible.
(Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH)

My victories marked
by random dents and blood spots.
Bumper-tag winner.
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sirens flash, lights blaze,
Bullhorns bellow, “Pull over!”
Maybe I should stop?
(Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI)

Sitting in traffic,
California rainstorm.
Where’d I put my gun?
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

South Florida drive.
Smoking clutch, third gear a dream.
(Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA)

That’s *not* a turn lane.
If someone hits you head-on
It will serve you right.
(Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA)

Want to play chicken
With my American van?
Silly Volkswagen.
(Mark Schmidt, Paris, France)

Who’s that slow driver
Admiring God’s creation?
Ramming speed!  My bad.
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)

Whose SUV is
Biggest?  Clearly mine is tops!
Just penis envy.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Why did I buy this?
Everyone knows Yugos suck!
I’m better off dead.
(Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN)

Headline Predictions

C  L  U  B  T  O  P  5
Preferred by 4 out of 5 proctologists.
January 12, 2010
The Top 20 News Headlines Predicted for 2010

20> Secret Service Screwup Allows George W. Bush to Sneak Back
Into White House

19> Report: TSA Airport Body Scanners Target “Bra Bomber”

18> Medical Marijuana Laws Create Huge Buzz

17> “Avatar” Sweeps Oscars, Cameron Claims “I’m King of the Smurfs”

16> Chesley Sullenberger Safely Lands US Economy

15> Joseph Jackson Announces “Michael: The Disinterred Cadaver

14> New Sleep Study Shows C-Span More Effective Than Ambien

13> USA Switches to New “So You Think You Can Be President?”
Reality Electoral System

12> Archaeologists: Mayan Calendar Calculation Off by Two Ye

11> Madonna, Jolie Announce Joint Plans for Sneaker Sweatsho–
er, Factory

10> Palin to Appear on “Real Housewives of Caribou County”

9> International Voters Surprise Obama with Olympic Figure
Skating Medal, Miss Universe Crown

8> Iran Claims Recently Discovered Nuclear Facility Just Used
“to Burn Ants”

7> Obama Courts GOP Support by Proposing Universal Wealth Care

6> Global Warming Blamed for Tipper Gore’s Hot Flashes

5> GOP Retakes House and Senate, Returns to Being in Favor of
Out-of-Control Spending and Prolonging War
4> Miley Cyrus Latest Disney Nymphette to Board Bullet Train
to Slutsville

3> Environmental Impact Study Halts Gosselin-Suleman Wedding

2> Climate Change Deniers Missing in Cancun Blizzard

and’s Number 1 News Headline Predicted for 2010…

1> Alert Airline Passengers Tackle, Restrain Tiger Woods’ Penis

[ Copyright 2010 by Chris White/ ]

Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

TopFive is currently in re-runs as Chris works on the new website.

[Sure glad I bought my lifetime membership so I could have reruns for months.  Grrrr.  These are worth a re-read today, though. ]

C  L  U  B  T  O  P  5
Feed your head.

June 26, 2000

The Top 17 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

17> You’ve got Windows on your laptop.

16> Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.

15> Your dork is ajar.

14> Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13> I can see your Gap dancers.

12> Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…

11> Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10> Elvis Junior has left the building!

9> Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8> Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck,

7> Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

6> Lil’ Shaq’s at the free show line.

5> You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”

4> Your closet door is open and Donato’s peeking out.

3> You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2> I see you have an opening in senior management.

and’s Number 1 Way to
Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped…

1> Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

[  The Top 5 List ]
[   Copyright 2000 by Chris White    ]

“Half-Mast”    and    “Petered Out”
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today’s list come later in this message.
Selected from 193 submissions from 72 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:
Pat McCarley, Missouri City, TX     —  1  (Woohoo!  1st #1!)
Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT  —  2
David Kass, Brooklyn, NY            —  3, 11  (Hall of Famer)
Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY        —  4
Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL          —  4
Chris Irby, Dallas, TX              —  5
Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA               —  6
Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL           —  7
Pam Pickard, North Canton, OH       —  8, 10
Tisha Stacey, Romeoville, IL        —  8
Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH            —  9, 16
Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA        — 10
Ann Rosenfeld, Austin, TX           — 10
Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC       — 10  (Hall of Famer)
Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA           — 11
Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC        — 11
Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA           — 11
Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ             — 12
Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE            — 13
Travis Ruetenik, Walnut Creek, CA   — 14
David Bryant, Columbia, MD          — 15
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA        — 17  (Hall of Famer)
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ       — Banner Tag
Dave Henry, Slidell, LA             — Runner Up list name
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA          — Honorable Mention list name
Chris White, New York, NY           — List owner/editor
The Rolling Stones, London, England — Ambience
Ambience explained:

Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
RUNNERS UP list  —  Half-Mast

Do you want some cheese with that baguette?
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Dr. Kimble has escaped
(Steven Bevier, Redwood City, CA)

Hail to the chief!
(Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL)

Hangtime for the homeboy
(Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)

Hello Guv’nor! (only applicable in Great Britain and Arkansas)
(Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)

Houston, we have a knoblem.
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)

I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
(Eric Lipton, Washington, DC)

If you want to make the team, you need to work on your pole vault.
(Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)

Judge Jackson has ruled on your zipper.
(Jim Griffith, Sunnyvale, CA)

Linguine Alfresco!
(Paul Paternoster, Los Altos, CA)

The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
(Jaime McCarley, Houston, TX)

The curtain is up on Midget Theatre!
(Pam Pickard, North Canton, OH)

There’s Something About Your Zipper
(Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA)

There’s a breeze in the Bat Cave.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

(John Treusch, Burlington, NJ)

Why the long crotch?
(Jesse Weiss, St. Paul, MN)

You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
(Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA)

Your dirk is diggling.
(Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA)

Your hard drive isn’t behind the copy machine.
(Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL)

Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
(Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA)

Zip it.  Zip it good.
(Larry Baum, Hong Kong)

Runner Up list name
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)

Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
HONORABLE MENTION list  —  Petered Out

Attracting eyeballs to your portal
(Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)

Don’t look now, but Arte Johnson is about to stick his head out
and tell a joke.
(Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)

Encouraging a penile delinquent
(Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)

Getting feedback from Mr. Microphone.
(Tisha Stacey, Romeoville, IL)

I can see the gun of Navarone.
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Is this your first private showing?
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)

It seems that you’ve implemented an “open pants” policy
(Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)

Looks like you’re clearing a path for the Crocodile Hunter.
(Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA)
(Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL)

Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis
(Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)

Mr. Greenspan wants to leave the Fed
(Christopher Troise, New York, NY)

Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
(Chris Irby, Dallas, TX)

The cucumber has left the salad.
(Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI)

The dark knight is unmasked.
(Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA)

The drawbridge is lowered and your king is preparing to ride forth.
(Doug Finney, Houston, TX)

Trying to prove you’re not Hillary Swank.
(Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)

You got a gopher hole in the garden.
(Travis Ruetenik, Walnut Creek, CA)

Your Tiger has left the Woods
(Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI)

Your airlock is open, and maybe nobody could hear me scream in
space, but this ain’t space, so it better slide shut soon.
(Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE)

Your coding is open-sourced
(Eric Lipton, Washington, DC)

Your cooling tower’s experiencing a containment breach.
(Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH)

Your trousers are puckering up.
(Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH)

Your zip file is decompressed!
(Patrick Major, Dallas, OR)

Honorable Mention list name
(Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)


Some days these just kill me.

One of the twitterers (tj, probably) said, “Fuck sex checking Phelps – they need to check for an Evinrude up his ass.

–==++   TopFive’s News Headlines   ++==–
Russian Tanks Drop Georgia to Number 8 in Coaches Poll

Phelps’ Accepts French Team’s Dare to Swim Back Home

Freddie Mac Suffers More Loses, Fleetwood Mac Goes Its Own Way

Study: Countries Where People Busy Not Starving to Death Win
Fewer Medals

Male Viewers Unsure About Appropriateness of Being Aroused by
Chinese Gymnasts

Credits: Bingo Yarwell (1), Doug Frank (2), Jerry L. Embry (3),
David Kass (4), Joseph Moore (5)

Send submissions to

Chris White’s Top Five

Made me laugh today.

February 29, 2008

The Top 20 Celebrity Rapper Names

20> George W. Bush: DC DizzAsta

19> Al Gore: Vanilla Ice-Cream

18> Matthew McConaughey: 6Pac

17> Tyra Banks: M.C. Glamour

16> Andy Pettitte: Stoolio

15> Britney Spears: DJ Snazzy Snatch

14> Marlee Matlin: Mis Def

13> Bill Clinton: Lil’ Wilt

12> Chris White: Quaaludakris

11> Warren Buffett: Kazillionaire

10> Paris Hilton: The Flirtorious V.A.G.

9> Hugh Hefner: Ol’ Lucky Bastard

8> Richard Simmons: Flama Flame

7> Howard Dean: Runs D.N.C.

6> Mary-Kate Olsen: N.R.X.E.A.

5> Michael Jackson: Kid ‘N Play ‘N Don’t Tell Your Mother

4> Michael Vick: Kil Bow Wow

3> Miss Teen South Carolina: Um’n’Um

2> Larry Craig: Queen Latrina Featuring Foot-C

and’s Number 1 Celebrity Rapper Name…

1> Ron Jeremy: Sir Dixalot