Coming up on 11-11-11

November 7, 2011


Nigel Tufnel, ace guitarist for the band Spinal Tap,
is rightfully famous for having a custom-made amplifier
that trumps the standard 1-10 volume scale by going
all the way to 11; “Well, it’s one louder, isn’t it?”

This Friday (11-11-11) is unofficially Nigel Tufnel Day.
How will YOU commemorate this once-a-century occasion?

The Top 11 Ways to Celebrate Nigel Tufnel Day

11> Show up to work at 11:11. With an attitude.

10> Turn it up to 12, then spontaneously combust.

9> Two words: Pipers piping

8> New Top5 List: The Top 11 Reasons Spinal Tap Kicks
Metallica’s Wussy Ass!

7> Get a spinal tap and when the nurse asks you to rate your
pain on a scale of 1 to 10, smile as you wince and say, “11.”

6> Dust for vomit.

5> At the grocery store, take one egg out of every dozen carton
and smash it on the ground in the name of Rock ‘N’ Roll!

4> Go to the airport and hand out cucumbers wrapped in foil.

3> Have a threesome with Nadia Comeneci and Mary Lou Retton.
Upload pictures to Google+. Click the +1 button.

2> Pencil in an 11th Commandment in your Bible: “Thou shalt
not stop at 10, you bleedin’ wankers.”

and’s Number 1 Way
to Celebrate Nigel Tufnel Day…

1> For one day, feel superior to Letterman’s “Only Goes
to Ten” list.

[ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/ ]


William Shakespeare: “2BR!2B WTF?”

Some days Chris really nails it with the TopFive.  This is SUCH a great topic!   I hope it goes on for days.  The runners up (bottom) are just as funny as the ones that made the list.
February 9, 2011

The Top 15 Tweets From Historical Figures
(Part I)

15> Captain of the Titanic: “Going to bed early – a monkey could
run this ship.”

14> Jeffrey Dahmer: “So hungry. Who’s around for dinner?”

13> Confucius: “OMG! i know what’s the sound of 1 hand tweeting
and the other on the wheel honking horn while im screaming
‘learn to drive, a-hole!'”

12> Benedict Arnold: “How you like me now, bitches?”

11> Francis Scott Key: “O say can’t you sing? WTF, Xtina?!”

10> Alexander Graham Bell: “watson, what r u wearing? lol!!!11!”

9> Adolf Hitler: “Yet another gallery rejected my artwork.

8> Robert E. Lee: “I’m bailing out on the Union and taking my
talents to the South.”

7> Julius Caesar: “Good2Know Senate Has GotMyBack”

6> Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Had a dream last nite. Too deep
to post here, but MAAAAAAAN was it inSAYne!!!”

5> General George Custer: “where all the indians at? there aint
nobody h– F@@K!”

4> Orville Wright: “hey @bro seatcushN = flot8tion device ;-)”

3> George Washington: “Crossing Delaware. Ugh. They made me
stand near the front in case I barf.”

2> Joan of Arc: “Going out for stake (sp?). BRB”

and’s Number 1 Tweet From an Historical Figure…

1> Abraham Lincoln: “This play sux, im so bored. someone pls
shoot me”

[ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/ ]

“Tweet Thins”    and    “Twistory”
The Runner Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today’s list come later in this message.
Selected from 134 submissions from 47 contributors.
Today’s Top 5 List authors are:
Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA            —  1, 14  (15th #1)
Richard Skora, Columbus, OH            —  1  (26th #1)
Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA          —  2  (Hall of Famer)
David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA         —  3, 15
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA           —  4  (Hall of Famer)
Lisette Dugas, Fredericton, NB, Canada —  5
Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA           —  5
Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID        —  6
Julie Nusbaum, Hamilton, IN            —  7
David Kass, Queens, NY                 —  8  (Hall of Famer)
John English, Orem, UT                 —  9
Kim Moser, New York, NY                — 10  (Hall of Famer)
Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA           — 11
Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA         — 11
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA            — 12  (Hall of Famer)
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH              — 13  (Hall of Famer)
Richard Koppinger, Old Bridge, NJ      — Topic
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ          — Banner Tag
Chris White, Studio City, CA           — List owner/editor

The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions

Tweets From Historical Figures
RUNNERS UP list  —  Tweet Thins

Anne Boleyn: “Been doin’ the math, peeps: 1 Tudor hottie –
Catherine of AraGONE! = Hank + Anne 4ever! LMHO!”
(Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL)

Ben Franklin: “This ‘early to bed’ shit is really getting old.”
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

Douglas MacArthur: “I shall update.”
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC)

Genghis Kahn: “Woohoo! Just OWNED the Jin Dynasty!! Emperor
Xuanzong’s on the run! Mongols Rule!”
(Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT)

Jeffrey Dahmer: “Potluck at my house was epic! And everyone loved
my beef Stu!”
(Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)

Patrick Henry: “Give me liberty or give me… oooh, Twinkies!”
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)

Ronald Reagan: “Um, hello? Where do I talk into this thing?”
(Travis Ruetenik, Hiroshima, Japan)

Sir Lancelot: “Damn! Arthur’s wife Guinevere is hawt!
(Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY)

Thoreau: “Who needs 140 characters when 60 should suffice?
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)

William Shakespeare: “2BR!2B WTF?”
(Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA)

Runners Up list name
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Tweets From Historical Figures
HONORABLE MENTIONS list  —  Twistory

Abraham Lincoln: “This play is 2 die 4!”
(Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA)

Adam: “Nature, serenity, cool animals and not a soul around —
this place totally *ROCKS*! Hey, where’s my rib?”
(Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID)

Alexander Graham Bell: “Where’s Watson when I need him? I wish
somebody would invent a f**king answering machine.”
(Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX)

Amelia Earhart: “Still trying to find that damn island. It’s gotta
be around here somewhere.”
(Kim Stewart, Dunedin, New Zealand)

Apostle Peter: “Has anyone seen Judas? Centurions are on the way
and we need more man-power.”
(David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA)

Christopher Columbus: “I’m taking my boats to South Beach”
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)

Christopher Columbus: “Numbnuts navigator steered us completely
wrong! How the hell am I gonna get some moo goo gai pan now?!”
(Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)

Franklin D. Roosevelt: “japs will bomb pearl harbor? yeah right.
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

George Washington: “Just showed that m#therf#ckin’ cherry tree
who’s boss.”
(Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID)

Ike Turner: “@LeggyTee I seen that &$!# you sayin woman >:-Z #smack
(Travis Ruetenik, Hiroshima, Japan)

Jesus Christ: “yo, anti-gay marriage folks: what part of ‘love thy
neighbor’ did you not understand?”
(Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA)

Joan of Arc: “IM way 2 young 2 B going through hot flashes!!”
(Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH)

Julius Caesar: “Veni Vidi Parti!”
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)

Lizzie Borden: “They had to acquit ’cause the handle don’t fit.”
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, DC)

Mary Todd Lincoln: “And the seats were really uncomfortable to
(Andy Grosser, Boston, MA)

Noah: “WTF is a Cubit?”
(Julie Nusbaum, Hamilton, IN)

Socrates: “I thought you said this drug would get me high!”
(Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA)

Honorable Mentions list name
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)

Top Five Cannabis Songs: Don’t Fear The Reefer

Bob just got transferred to the store (an hour from here)  near where we hope to live if we ever sell this fucking house.

Cross your fingers!!  Run around with your arms open wide, imploring the Universe in a deep voice to SELL THIS HOUSE!   k thx bye


April 19, 2010


For those not in the know, tomorrow (April 20,
or 4/20) is “a counterculture holiday, where
people gather to celebrate and consume cannabis.”
So says the mighty Wikipedia!

And in case you’re unsure of just what to
load in the ol’ iPod, TopFive is here to help!

The Top 20 Songs About Cannabis

20> Don’t Fear the Reefer

19> Hit It, Baby, One More Time

18> Pot for Teacher

17> Aquabong

16> The Wind Cries Mary Jane

15> Papa’s Got a Brand New Dimebag

14> I Started a Toke

13> Ganja Get You Into My Life

12> With a Little Hemp From My Friends

11> Gettin’ Spliffy With It

10> We May Never Pass This J Again

9> It’s 4:20 Somewhere

8> Doob (Looks Like a Fatty)

7> Don’t It Bake My Brown Eyes Into Heavy-Lidded Slits

6> When Dudes Fry

5> Free Bud

4> Killing Me Softly With His Bong

3> Tokelahoma!

2> I Just Called to Say… Uh… Umm… I Forget

and’s Number 1 Song About Cannabis…

1> My Glaucoma

[ Copyright 2010 by Chris White/ ]


C  L  U  B  T  O  P  5
Custom roasted in the Texas Hill Country.

December 15, 2009


Director James Cameron’s $300-million-budget scifi
CGI spectacular “Avatar” hits theaters this Friday.
So what has the dude behind “Terminator”
and “Titanic” cooked up for us this time?

The Top 14 Surprises in “Avatar”

14> Audiences haven’t been this spellbound by a blue-faced
exercise in celluloid self-gratification since David
Carradine’s homemade snuff film.

13> The movie ends after 30 minutes, when Arnold Schwarzenegger
returns as the Budget Terminator.

12> Due to a blown budget, credits are written in crayon on extra
wide notebook paper.

11> Since avatars are half-human/half-alien, Dick Cheney was
allowed to do a cameo as himself.

10> The leaves on the trees are actually $50 bills.

9> “Che’ri” the red alien and “Ke’li” the green alien look
suspiciously like strippers.

8> Squint just the right amount and you’ll swear there’s a plot.

7> Of the $300 million budget, one third went to erasing
Sigourney Weaver’s wrinkles using CGI.

6> The leader of the blue-skinned race is none other than
Courtney Love.

5> Fun fight scene where the blonde Marine tries to pry alien
Ti’ger out of his spaceship with a 9-iron.

4> Wilford Brimley’s surprise cameo as Gargamel.

3> The giant space portal thru which the Marines travel is
actually an extreme close-up of Julia Roberts’mouth.

2> A hollow, mind-numbing suckfest has never *looked* this

and’s Number 1 Surprise in “Avatar”…

1> Only IMAX theaters can show the film because regular screens
are too small to display James Cameron’s massive ego.

[ Copyright 2009 by Chris White/ ]

The runners-up were just as good …

Out of Office replies

Today’s Top Five from Good one!

July 11, 2008


You know those Out-of-Office AutoReply e-mail
notifications you get when you send e-mail
to someone who’s on vacation? Great idea,
but the messages are so *painfully* boring.

The Top 15 Out-of-Office E-Mails We’d Like to See
(Part I)

15> I’m at my desk right now, but Minesweeper is a timed game.
I’ll respond to you as soon as I set a new high score.

14> I’m attending the funeral of my grandmother. Please do not
make the effort to count and realize that this is the sixth
time my grandmother has died in the past four years.

13> I’ll be out all week. And my office door’s unlocked.
And there’s all kinds of cool stuff in my desk drawers.

12> I am not able to reply to your e-mail because I am on
vacation. If you fill up my mailbox with more unwanted
pictures of your ugly kids while I am out, I will hunt you
down and kill you.

11> You talking to me? You talking to ME? Well guess what?
Today I ain’t talking to you.

10> I like some of the things you wrote in that last email.
And it inspired me to come up with something completely
unconventional. Now stay with me because it may seem
irrelevant, but brings up a valid point. Imagine that you
represent everything you just wrote, and I represent every
person… GOTCHA! I’m not really here — this is an automated
message. I’ll be back next week!

9> I will be out of the Oval Office until January 20, 2009.
(Barack Obama only)

8> All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All WORK and NO PLAY make Jack a DULL BOY.
All work and no play make jack a dull boy.

7> I’m out of the office, unless I came in today. It’s a
Microsoft thing.

6> smhdiohsddhmd mdmvre’gjwe’ wojt’g ojmqge’ojmv q’q gvjegvr’C
gv’gogvjgrj (That’s my new assistant’s ass banging on
my keyboard; can’t get to your message, obviously.)

5> I am currently trapped in a dead-end position with a
vision-crippled, lifeforce-sucking conglomerate, having
lost the will to even respond to email. Please send
appealing job-openings and humorously twisted motivational
poster parodies.

4> Sorry, but I’ve lost all of my fingers in the large paper
cutter and won’t be able to respond until I learn how to
type with a pencil in my mouth.

3> If not back by Aug 06, please avenge my death.

2> I’m away on business, so your requests are being forwarded
to our general customer service center. Of course it’s 12
time zones away and the associates only speak Hindi, so
you’re probably screwed until I get back anyway.

and’s Number 1
Out-of-Office E-Mail We’d Like to See…

1> For questions about the GMS project, ask Bob; he took
the credit for it, so let’s see if he knows anything.

BillG retires

These made me smile this morning. Probably have to be kind of geeky to appreciate them, however.
C L U B T O P 5
Now available: full-body scans.
Interact with TopFive!

July 2, 2008


Bill Gates has officially cleaned out his
desk and stepped down from his Microsoft gig.
It’s about time that nerd got a real job
and stopped mooching off his parents!

But seriously, folks…

The Top 15 Things Found in Bill Gates’s Desk

15> A frame holding the first $1 billion he made.

14> Those compromising pictures of Janet Reno that ultimately
saved Microsoft’s monopolistic bacon.

13> iPhone, iBook, Airbook, iPod, etc.

12> “Past Due” notices from Hell’s Souls Receivable Department.

11> A copy of “Home Haircuts for Dummies.”

10> $863,979.42 in loose change.

9> Crumpled copy of Al Gore’s patent on the Internet.

8> A copy of Machiavelli’s “The Prince,” an IOU from Pope
Benedict XVI, Jimmy Hoffa’s wristwatch and some Skittles.

7> God’s cell phone number.

6> Memo to Microsoft employees now allowing consumption of
apples and Big Macs.

5> His old cardboard “Will Compute for Food” sign.

4> Steve Jobs’s life force — and damn if it didn’t get out
of the bottle again!

3> The title deed to Liechtenstein.

2> Unsent letter to girl who spurned him in 10th grade, written
on back of bank statement.

and’s Number 1 Thing Found in Bill Gates’s Desk…

1> Severed limbs of the Microsoft product developer who wrote
the original specifications for Windows Vista.

[ Copyright 2008 by Chris White/ ]

Election Haiku

I like number 3 a lot.

C  L  U  B  T  O  P  5
Lose 5 inches off your mid-section — guaranteed!
Interact with TopFive!

April 23, 2008


Think TopFive can’t be classy?
We’ve got *poetry* for you today!

The Top 25 Election 2008 Haikus

25> Evil Viet Cong
And their horrid torture camps?
No match for this crap!

24> Dennis Kucinich
Said he saw UFOs, then
Disappeared in one.

23> The time has long past.
The fat lady sings to thee,
Huckabee, go home!

22> Hillary’s *so* tired.
Pranksters won’t stop calling her
Right at 3 a.m.

21> John McCain am I.
So strong, can crush you like bug.
Do not look at me!

20> Who wants the lesser
Of three evils? Bill Bradley,
Won’t you please come home?

19> John McCain makes speech:
“My fellow Americans,
Get off my damn lawn!”

18> Barack, be like Bill.
He *does* love America —
One chick at a time.

17> Ron Paul is still in.
Waiting for the mothership?
Reality check!

16> Hillary Clinton’s
Fades like Mets in fall.

15> Just say what you mean!
Don’t start every speech with
“What I meant to say…”

14> John McClain? “Die Hard”?
Hey, Iran: Yippie-kay-yay,
You evil mofos!

13> Hillary Clinton
Fighting Barack Obama?
You two get a room!

12> GOP to Dems:
Good luck choosing nominee.
Wake us in August.

11> Hillary was the
Odds-on favorite to win —
Like the Patriots.

10> Many candidates,
All of them equally bad.
Write in for Chris White!

9> Pennsylvanians
Can indeed be quite bitter —
Like Reverend Wright.

8> When will it be safe
To watch my TV again?
I’m sick of this crap.

7> Who won’t die, but comes
Once again to eat our brains?
Zombie Ralph Nader!

6> Hi. I’m John McCain.
Some say I’m too old to run.
Hi. I’m John McCain…

5> Bosnian snipers
Over a decade later
Shoot holes in Clinton.

4> Forget the war and
Economy plummeting —
Where’s his damn flag pin?!?

3> I’m watching Fox News.
Apparently, the sun shines
Out of McCain’s ass.

2> 3 a.m. phone call
Hillary answers, first ring
It’s Trixi, for Bill.

and’s Number 1 Election 2008 Haiku…

1> Hypnotizing me,
Winning my heart and my vote:
Obama Girl’s boobs.

[ Copyright 2008 by Chris White/ ]


–==++   TopFive’s News Headlines   ++==–

Hillary Recants Bosnia Sniper Fire Story; “Might’ve Been Detroit”

Raul Castro Lifts Cuban Ban on Happiness

McCain Only Getting Older Waiting for Democrats

Vegan Goes on Salad-Shooter Rampage

Rock Band Concentrating on Career, Forgetting About Chicks, Man

Credits: John Keadle (1), Jeff Rabinowitz (2), David Kass (3),
Jerry L. Embry (4), Tristan Fabriani (5)