February 10: Redneck Teleprompter
February 3: Vaguebooking
An intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or is possibly a cry for help.
Mary is: “wondering if it is all worth it”
Mark is: “thinking that was a bad idea”
“Have you talked to Mark? He’s vaguebooking again. I wonder if he’s back with Mary…”
Tammy is: “in line at the grocery store”
January 11: mid-day crisis
when one is in a desperate need for a siesta because they become extremely tired in the afternoon and coffee isn’t cutting it any longer.
“working at panera sucked today after that wild night of drinking. i had the worst mid-day crisis ever.”
Man, I have these all the time. Not from drinking. It’s from old age, I reckon. I’ve turned into my Grandmother and I need a little “lie-down” to “rest my eyes” in the afternoon. Her words. I remember she used to curl up on an old lumpy horsehair-filled couch. She liked the lumps, she curled around them and they fit her.
As a frequent flyer in the Insomniacs club, I try NOT to nap during the day but I’m afraid it’s becoming a losing battle .
January 8: Nearsighted Date
As opposed to a blind date, where you have no idea what the other person looks like, a nearsighted date is one where you’ve seen a photo or chatted via web cam before meeting in person.
This can often lead to disappointment if one person or the other has supplied misleading documentation.
“Well, I saw her profile pics on Facebook, so it was more of a nearsighted date than a blind date”
“Went on a nearsighted date last night. The picture he emailed me must have been from before he quit the gym.”
Good lord, these people are shallow.
December 17: Chipmunk gift
A seemingly generous present that will benefit the giver as much as the receiver.
On an old Chipmunks Christmas album, Alvin, Simon, and Theodore give Dave a gift. He’s overwhelmed with their generosity until he discovers it’s an empty bag, which the Chipmunks say is for him to fill with presents and give back to them.
My friend gave me such a Chipmunk gift this year. She bought me a CD by HER favorite group and then asked to copy it because she’s too cheap to buy her own CD AND a present for me.
That back bedroom at my mom’s house is freezing! I hate staying there when we visit. Is it too much of a Chipmunk gift if I buy her a space heater for Christmas?
My husband took me to the Monster Truck Expo for my birthday. Jeez, what a Chipmunk gift. What was he thinking?
December 1: airplane mode
When someone cuts themselves off from the world by not logging on to Facebook or checking their cell phones. Usually occurs after a breakup or a rough work week.
Derived from the cell phone setting of the same name in which incoming messages or phone calls cannot be received.
“Dan won’t answer your calls. He’s in airplane mode.”
“Sarah went into airplane mode for three days after Charlie dumped her.”
I’ve been in Airplane mode with twitter for about two months now, interuppted only by short bursts of (like they could be anything but!) tweets.
November 14: Weiner Cousins
When two men have had sex with the same woman/women, they become weiner cousins. This is a bond that can never be broken.
We’re weiner cousins now, that means we’re closer than brothers.
Heh heh. Good one. They don’t mention if it has to happen at the same time. I suppose not. But that IS immediately what came to mind.
November 8: Febreze shower
When you haven’t showered (and don’t have time to), but you don’t want to go out smelling bad, so you spray yourself with Febreze instead.
Brandon was running late for class, so he settled for a Febreze shower.
So, I’m not sure if this is better or worse than the guys who bathe and then bathe again in aftershave. Bleah. I really, really dislike aftershave. I want to know what a guy actually smells like.
October 28: Northwest Nap
A very deep sleep where you are unable to hear telephones, text messages, and even the Air Force.
Named to honor the two fine pilots from Northwest Airlines and their little “in flight snooze”
“Dude, I was so tired yesterday afternoon, I took a Northwest Nap. My girl called me 15 times and I didn’t hear a thing”
Heh. Gonna be awhile before they live that down.
This just in:
Posted: 27 Oct 2009 10:57 AM PDT
Two pilots on a Northwest Airlines flight bound for Minneapolis, MN flew past the airport in error last week, and federal investigators now report that this was caused by laptop distraction in the cockpit. Northwest has just gone through a merger, and the pilots were apparently kvetching to one another about the confusing new scheduling system imposed post-merger.
“Each pilot accessed and used his personal laptop computer while they discussed the airline crew flight scheduling procedure,” the NTSB report said. More from the New York Times.
The pilots told the National Transportation Safety Board that they missed their destination because they had taken out their personal laptops in the cockpit, a violation of airline policy, so the first officer, Richard I. Cole, could tutor the captain, Timothy B. Cheney, in a new scheduling system put in place by Delta Air Lines, which acquired Northwest last fall.
September 9: dish envy
Sudden, intense longing and regret derived from watching a particularly appetizing dish being delivered to a nearby table, and realizing that one has made an inferior menu selection.
Hank was eagerly anticipating his scallops when the waiter brought the stuffed pork chops to the man at the table next to him. Unable to avert his gaze, Hank began to feel the anguish of dish envy.
I get this every time I eat in a restaurant. I’m a poor visualizer and my food is never what I expect. But everyone else’s is more than I imagined. I suppose that’s meaningful in some insightful way that I will never understand. Grass is always greener and all that, perhaps.